I didn´t even know my own NEED. It was this growing sense
that found me walking aimlessly and troubled through the snowy woods. “Oh, to
know my poverty, to see my wretchedness, and to feel my need,” I kept thinking
over and over. God´s piercing light was working to drill through my autonomy
and blinding self-sufficiency. Truth be told, I was slightly terrified that He
would never break through and that I would be stuck forever with a proud,
lonely, and lost heart.
I sat down on a fallen tree and began to cry. The stunning
sunset colors only seemed to represent an amazing love that I would never
experience if I never felt my true need for redemption. As my shoulders heaved
with pent up emotion, I knew that at least momentarily I was needy. I had
nowhere else to turn with my desperation. I felt need…a need for something I
knew only God could give…a need perhaps for God Himself. His thoughts of hope,
patience, and calling intermingled with my anguished ones. He spoke my name and
told me my tears were beautiful to Him. I think I knew then that it would be
okay. He still wanted me with a passion, despite everything.
One place we will never leave, throughout all eternity, is
the place of needing God. Never will some spiritual level be attained at which
our deep need for His love will disappear. Our desire for independence will
fade away but our need for His closeness will only wax stronger. He comforted
me by showing me that my struggle and tears were the beginning of me NEEDING
Him more…NEEDING Him even to instill the greater sense of NEED in me. He was
becoming necessary to my soul´s peace and joy.
I stood and leaned against a nearby fir. I glanced to where
I had been sitting previously and realized I barely recognized “that” girl…the
girl who moments before had sat dejectedly weeping with her face in her hands. Was
that really me? So broken? So helpless? So needy for an understanding embrace
and loving word from her God?
Yes. That was me and that is me. I found the real me in a
perfect place that I cannot risk forgetting or leaving—the place where I need
God more than life.
Our need for love is our need for God. Our need for comfort
is our need for God´s arms. Our need for hope is our need for God´s unbreakable
promise. Our need for truth is our need for His words. We truly need Him! Our
inner being thirsts for Him with an infinite and undeniable need! Our hearts will indeed wither away and perish
without their Creator and Sustainer!
We can pretend that intellectual acceptance of our need is
enough, but it isn´t. Mental acknowledgement of our dependence on God is simply
a springboard from which to dive into a continual and conscious experience of
heart-felt, emotional need. How God wishes to be unashamedly needed! Is your
need for Him real?