Don´t Know Why

I don´t know why it happens. Why suddenly I wake up as from a sleep and realize I´ve failed. I´ve hurt someone I love. I have said the wrong thing. I have stood still when I should have made an effort. I have been blind to things that even a blind person would have “seen.”

I wonder how and why. How I got to that place when my intentions were never terrible. Why I find myself having to fix something that I never meant to break.

Disappointment at my failures has a whole new edge to it. Beyond disappointing myself and another person, I have disappointed the God I love. It is unbearable. All I´ve truly desired in recent months is to reflect a vibrant ray of God´s own Love without distortion. I couldn´t do that. I couldn´t reflect Him purely. I stand numb and ashamed. What can a weak and untrustworthy human ever offer to a deeply faithful God?

I don´t know why it happens. But then again…perhaps I do. It drives me to my knees in self-distrust. It humbles me. It is part of a process…God´s process…a process that I won´t ever fully understand…a process that will one day find me stirring with the first morning light and waking up in His own image, His own likeness! One day I will awake incapable of disappointing Him ever again! 

“As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness.” Psalm 17:15

My heart

It beats in my chest. They say I should follow it. But this heart I call mine deceives. Who can comprehend it? It confuses me until I don´t know what I really want. Its direction is set towards selfishness…and yet, I hate selfishness.

My identity is in conflict. This space within is a battleground. Who am I? 

I run to hide in the branches of one lone, but insistent, desire—a desire for God. I choose to take refuge in that desire despite its smallness. Enfolded in this possibility, I don´t want to leave. Raging conflicts are tuned out. Somehow I know that I´m close to finding what I´ve lost—my authentic heart.

Climbing to the highest branch, there is quiet. Boldness and coherence invade me. I whisper God´s name…and then hear my voice crying out for Him to take over.

His power filters through hardened layers of that heart I call mine. His reality lovingly subdues all wars. In the ransacked emptiness of a surrendered heart, humility makes replacement possible.    

The hand of my God creates a new heart to fill the silent void. It begins to beat in my chest. My own blood courses through pure and restored channels. I am whole. My true heart has come home. 

Perfect harmony…between God´s heartbeat and mine. And yes, I will follow His heart anywhere.