To Whom Would We Go?

I stand amazed. For no one compares to Him.

At the end of a busy week, on the brink of another that appears even more daunting, I turn to Him.

I consider the weakness and nothingness I have to offer God when He deserves so much. I think of how much I need His wisdom and strength, and yet how little I have prayed. I mentally analyze this desire I have to Love Him purely and serve Him energetically, and I contrast that with how much I actually do.

I gather these thoughts together and present them to Him. I’m not proud of them. They make my heart heavy. But I offer them to Him because they are sincere. I offer them to Him because I have nowhere else to go.

He does not turn away.

“Father, I am here, because to where else or to whom else would I go. My eyes have seen that You are gracious. I have known the touch of Your hand. My days are surrounded with the happiness and Love that You alone bestow. I can’t stop believing in the One who believes so steadily in me. You are too true, oh God, and thus, when my heart wanders, it always comes back to You.”

I will stand amazed often during my journey here. For no one compares to Him.  

Jesus said to the twelve, “You don’t want to go away too, do you?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God!”  John 6:67, 68

Courtship is Not the Answer

The concept of courtship (viewed as an alternative to dating) is at times controversial. Greatly acclaimed by some, it is likewise highly scorned by others. There is nothing sacred about the word “courtship” as compared to the word “dating.” Courtship is not a magic wand that can suddenly transform a romantic relationship into a holy pursuit. It is not a miracle cure for the world´s relationship ills.  As a term, a concept or a set of principles, courtship is not the answer. I am more convinced every day that there is only One Answer in this world, and His name is Jesus. So why do I choose to use the word courtship at all?

Let me clarify something really important. I learned from personal mistakes that courtship is not about saying “no” when asked out on dates, it is not about potential suitors talking to your parents, it is not about going out on group dates instead of dates alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it is not about not having sex or not kissing your partner prematurely, and it is most definitely not about trying to be different from the world by sheer will-power. 

Courtship is deeper than outward behavior. Courtship is a matter of the heart and the heart of the matter is Submission.

Submission may not sound very inviting, but it is the most peaceful place in the whole world—a place where deep joy and freedom abound. When I use the word courtship, it encompasses principles that apply long before I meet “the one” and which continue to be relevant after marriage and into eternity. Courtship is:

1. Submitting my emotions/feelings to the truth of God.

2. Submitting my future to the wisdom and Love of God.

While our emotions are an incredible gift from God, they are not to be our guide, especially when we´re talking about life´s most important decisions. Surrendering our fantasies, attraction and romantic feelings to God (yes, even when the other person is a wonderful, godly potential partner) takes away the emotional clutter and distraction from our hearts and minds so that God can make the first move, so that God can give us clear indicators when it´s the right person and the right time.

We often are in danger of elevating ourselves above God and thinking we know more about how to bring about a beautiful future for us than He does. A true follower has cast his life into the hands of the master. Don´t you agree that the most beautiful love stories will result from casting our lives into the hands of Love itself? When we learn day by day to fully trust Him and be satisfied with Him, our hearts can be set free from concern about who or where our future spouse is.

In God´s great wisdom, He has prepared parents or godly mentors who help us take our submission experience deeper yet. Sadly, many young people outwardly go to friends, family or pastors for counsel but are inwardly not willing to submit to that counsel due to their emotions that are already invested in a certain guy/girl. In turn, many parents, pastors and mentors are unprepared to give good counsel that would draw forth a greater experience in submission. However, if you know that your parents or mentors have a true connection with the God of heaven, there should be no fear but rather great peace and rest in knowing that they are on your side, they will fight for your future happiness and will guard you from unwise decisions.   

The principles of courtship draw my eyes away from self-trust and call me towards the sweet Lover of my soul. 

Courtship should never be put on a pedestal. Courtship, in and of itself, is not the answer, but it points me to the Answer. The principles of courtship remind me Who should be at the center of my thoughts, heart and life. You may call it by a different name, but for me courtship comes down to an attitude of the heart, an attitude of dependence and submission that I believe greatly pleases the Creator.  

Re-minded

June 18. L.A. airport. Saying goodbye. My birthday gift.

“It wasn´t supposed to make you cry,” Joshua says. 

“It can be good to cry, Josh,” I reply, “these are not sad tears.”

I hold the notebook in my hands, turning the pages with incredulity. They remind me…of how God works, of His endless depth, of His heart-stirring call to a simple girl.

The notebook filled with reminders is an amazing gift. Likewise, the boy who gave me the notebook is also an amazing reminder from God—a reminder who brings joy to my existence and talks to me.

God knows I am forgetful and weak. I need reminders. Without them I will waste hours and days and years pursuing goals that get me no closer to lasting happiness. 

Where might I be without reminders?  Without a mother who prays for me, without friends who show me grace, without my Bible waiting at my bedside? Where might I be without kindred spirits who send me messages saying that they are praying that I will draw closer to Jesus´ heart this year than ever before? 

In life the stakes are high, but I forget. The Love is deep, but I turn from it. The God of my soul surrounds me, but I am blinded.

He sends me reminders in many shapes and sizes. Some of them I recognize and they make me cry at His goodness.

I close the notebook…fully re-minded.

“…but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…”  

Jealous

“Can I ask you something?”

(I´m never quite sure what to expect when I hear this question from Joshua. It could be a cute, silly question he´s about to ask or it could be a more difficult, heart-probing one. Nonetheless, I always say “Of course.”)

“Are you a little bit jealous?” he asked with a rare intonation in his voice that I couldn´t interpret.

“Um…hmm, let me think…I guess I haven´t really identified that emotion in myself very often, so I´m not sure exactly how it feels…but yes, it could be I´m a little jealous.”

His reply was a chuckle.

“Why are you laughing, Josh? It´s obviously something I need to work on.”

“It´s funny thinking of you being jealous. It´s kind of cute. It´s been a long time since someone cared about me enough to be jealous.”

It was a small incident. He had met with a friend to study for an exam. The friend was a girl. He hadn´t thought anything of it until it had come up in our conversation. He immediately apologized for not having explained his plans to me first before meeting with his classmate. I knew he hadn´t intended to keep anything from me and I was ready to move on to another topic when the whole “jealousy” question came up.

Joshua´s comments had an unexpected impact. I had to stop and contemplate the implications of godly jealousy versus human jealousy. I went to the scriptures and confirmed that God´s word describes God, not just once but several times, as a Jealous God. Innately, God is a God of passion and zeal. While my jealousy is most likely centered on self, God´s jealous nature is focused on a deep desire to be close to us, to be in relationship with us. When other things and other people get in the way of us being completely His (and thus, completely happy), He is jealous. When sin separates us from Him, He is angered, not because He is angry in human terms but because He ardently Loves in Divine terms. 

Although God´s jealousy is far too sacred to be described as “cute,” it is sweetly incredible that He cares enough about me to be jealous.

“Yes,” God admits, “I´m a bit jealous over you.”  

"They have provoked Me to jealousy by what is not God; they have moved Me to anger by their foolish idols."

Deuteronomy 32:21

Infinite Need (Part 2)

I didn´t even know my own NEED. It was this growing sense that found me walking aimlessly and troubled through the snowy woods. “Oh, to know my poverty, to see my wretchedness, and to feel my need,” I kept thinking over and over. God´s piercing light was working to drill through my autonomy and blinding self-sufficiency. Truth be told, I was slightly terrified that He would never break through and that I would be stuck forever with a proud, lonely, and lost heart.

I sat down on a fallen tree and began to cry. The stunning sunset colors only seemed to represent an amazing love that I would never experience if I never felt my true need for redemption. As my shoulders heaved with pent up emotion, I knew that at least momentarily I was needy. I had nowhere else to turn with my desperation. I felt need…a need for something I knew only God could give…a need perhaps for God Himself. His thoughts of hope, patience, and calling intermingled with my anguished ones. He spoke my name and told me my tears were beautiful to Him. I think I knew then that it would be okay. He still wanted me with a passion, despite everything.  

One place we will never leave, throughout all eternity, is the place of needing God. Never will some spiritual level be attained at which our deep need for His love will disappear. Our desire for independence will fade away but our need for His closeness will only wax stronger. He comforted me by showing me that my struggle and tears were the beginning of me NEEDING Him more…NEEDING Him even to instill the greater sense of NEED in me. He was becoming necessary to my soul´s peace and joy.

I stood and leaned against a nearby fir. I glanced to where I had been sitting previously and realized I barely recognized “that” girl…the girl who moments before had sat dejectedly weeping with her face in her hands. Was that really me? So broken? So helpless? So needy for an understanding embrace and loving word from her God?

Yes. That was me and that is me. I found the real me in a perfect place that I cannot risk forgetting or leaving—the place where I need God more than life.

Our need for love is our need for God. Our need for comfort is our need for God´s arms. Our need for hope is our need for God´s unbreakable promise. Our need for truth is our need for His words. We truly need Him! Our inner being thirsts for Him with an infinite and undeniable need!  Our hearts will indeed wither away and perish without their Creator and Sustainer!

We can pretend that intellectual acceptance of our need is enough, but it isn´t. Mental acknowledgement of our dependence on God is simply a springboard from which to dive into a continual and conscious experience of heart-felt, emotional need. How God wishes to be unashamedly needed! Is your need for Him real?

Happens to be

Last Tuesday was the birthday of an important man—the one whose hands were the first to hold me. He is one of the best men I know. In the midst of many faces, there is one face that I recognize as my father and he is kind.

We have no choice when it comes to what family we are born into. I didn´t choose a good father. He was simply there. Much like humanity did not choose to be created by a being who cared.

Our Creator—our God—might have been impersonal. He could have been cruel. He could have been taciturn, or unreasonable, or selfish.

Instead, the One being who has no beginning and no end, the One who will have the last word, the One who chose to create us (and in whom we are chosen), happens to be good.

Of all the “gods” conjured up by human minds, the true God—MY God—dares to define Himself with one word—Love.                                                                      

I didn´t choose a God of Love. He chose me…and He changes not. 

Don´t Know Why

I don´t know why it happens. Why suddenly I wake up as from a sleep and realize I´ve failed. I´ve hurt someone I love. I have said the wrong thing. I have stood still when I should have made an effort. I have been blind to things that even a blind person would have “seen.”

I wonder how and why. How I got to that place when my intentions were never terrible. Why I find myself having to fix something that I never meant to break.

Disappointment at my failures has a whole new edge to it. Beyond disappointing myself and another person, I have disappointed the God I love. It is unbearable. All I´ve truly desired in recent months is to reflect a vibrant ray of God´s own Love without distortion. I couldn´t do that. I couldn´t reflect Him purely. I stand numb and ashamed. What can a weak and untrustworthy human ever offer to a deeply faithful God?

I don´t know why it happens. But then again…perhaps I do. It drives me to my knees in self-distrust. It humbles me. It is part of a process…God´s process…a process that I won´t ever fully understand…a process that will one day find me stirring with the first morning light and waking up in His own image, His own likeness! One day I will awake incapable of disappointing Him ever again! 

“As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness.” Psalm 17:15

My heart

It beats in my chest. They say I should follow it. But this heart I call mine deceives. Who can comprehend it? It confuses me until I don´t know what I really want. Its direction is set towards selfishness…and yet, I hate selfishness.

My identity is in conflict. This space within is a battleground. Who am I? 

I run to hide in the branches of one lone, but insistent, desire—a desire for God. I choose to take refuge in that desire despite its smallness. Enfolded in this possibility, I don´t want to leave. Raging conflicts are tuned out. Somehow I know that I´m close to finding what I´ve lost—my authentic heart.

Climbing to the highest branch, there is quiet. Boldness and coherence invade me. I whisper God´s name…and then hear my voice crying out for Him to take over.

His power filters through hardened layers of that heart I call mine. His reality lovingly subdues all wars. In the ransacked emptiness of a surrendered heart, humility makes replacement possible.    

The hand of my God creates a new heart to fill the silent void. It begins to beat in my chest. My own blood courses through pure and restored channels. I am whole. My true heart has come home. 

Perfect harmony…between God´s heartbeat and mine. And yes, I will follow His heart anywhere. 

Invited

It was a simple invitation.

My friends were going on a rock climbing adventure, the text message read. I was invited.

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

For some reason I felt oddly humbled to be included. I felt somehow undeserving of the invitation… Maybe because I knew that girls could have been conveniently excluded from the outing. Maybe because I knew I had no experience, skill, or equipment to contribute to the group.

Though unable to adequately express my gratitude, I treasured my first rock climbing experience as a unique gift…from my friends, from my mom (who captured the moment in photos and permitted me to go), and from my heavenly Father (who gave us the natural world and a spirit of adventure).

The lovely feeling of being invited lingers with me. My mind recalls an invitation I received over 10 months ago—an invitation to the endless adventure of discovering the depths of God´s wondrous Love. As morning sunlight warms my face, I realize again—God is calling, inviting me to experience the next page of adventure with Him.

I am invited. Not because anything I´ve done merits being included on this expedition. Not because God needs someone with experience, skill or equipment (which I don´t have). He just wants the pleasure of my company! He wants to give me the abundant life!

The adventure is for you too. You are invited!   

     

Full Circle

I was back. Nine months later. The same camp grounds where it had sparked.

Sitting on the dilapidated remnants of an old wagon, the morning coolness reached through my sweatshirt. I felt expectant about the coming week of summer camp. I wondered why God had brought me back to this specific place.

This place had seen the first unexpected tears that ran down my cheeks when I realized God had never been the true Love and passion of my days. Nine months ago I began to see. I peered into myself and glimpsed my lackluster devotion to my Savior. I saw that I had only entertained passing pieces of God´s Love for me and had never grasped them and made them mine.

Midway through the week of camp, I cried alone under the night sky. I cried because I was seeing myself once more…I was seeing myself in the eyes of each of my seven campers. Each one of them was me—a girl who beneath all my exterior fronts would simply like to know whether there is such a thing as true Love and how in the world to let that Love into my heart.

I looked towards the cots where the girls slept. My heart ached for each one to know the Love of their Father God. Nine months ago a similar ache was felt in God´s chest as He watched me sleep…longing to penetrate my blind, oblivious, independent, self-centered soul.

I was back. Full circle. Amazed. Stunned by God´s grace in my life. Hopeful that true Love would never stop seeking us.

Truly, each of those girls is no farther than I was from hearing the whisper… “So listen, little girl, somewhere there´s a King who will Love you forever. And nothing in the world could ever come between you, my love, and this Lover.”*

*Taken from lyrics by Andrew Peterson

I don´t believe you

It was a sinking and momentarily devastating feeling. No one had ever told me that they seriously doubted my sincerity. Two things made the admission worse—the fact that it came from a friend and the fact that their disbelief concerned an experience that was extremely beautiful to my heart.

I listened...too crushed to say much. I did my best to understand. Tears surfaced. (To think, I had evoked mistrust and doubt in a friend´s mind by how I had lived or spoken or acted.) I immediately wanted to identify where I had gone wrong. Was I truly as insincere as I had been perceived? Were my words perhaps not trustworthy at all? I thanked my friend for their honesty. Our friendship grew after that conversation, but I cannot completely forget the feeling it gave me—to not be trusted, to not be believed. 

Over the months a growing realization is that it is me who, after years of “belief in God,” has never TRULY believed half of what God has spoken and done in Love towards me. Unlike me, God´s heart is infinitely sincere. I prance around His miracles and enjoy the light of His pursuing Love while holding on to partial, superficial belief in Him. With a lifetime of outward belief on my résumé (church goer, scripture memorizer, hymn singer, etc.), where is the absolute belief that would seep into my every day and tinge my every conscious thought? Where is the radical faith that would make my eyes glow with peace and Love beyond measure? Having whispered the words “I love You” to God, can I make decisions that shout “But I only half-believe most of what You say?” Can I doubt the sincerity of One who wordlessly died to give me life?

We have believed in enough counterfeits, have we not? We try to prove ourselves or our ideas worthy of belief. We have believed in things…the power of prayer, the necessity of belief itself, our denominational doctrines, the Christian virtues. Our belief must become deeper and simpler. God seeks one who will simply believe in His Name. His Name is Love. Love cannot lie. Love keeps its promises. With our wavering hearts, we fall short of absolute belief in this life-changing Love. We doubt syllables, phrases, and entire sentences of His truth. Oh God, help thou our unbelief.

The Gentleman

“Here, let me get the door for you.”

The fact that it was a car door threw me off. No one had ever intentionally quickened their step in order to open a car door for me. Weren´t things like that usually done for ladies in formal dresses on special occasions, not for girls in mud-covered hiking boots on ordinary days? It felt strange and—being rendered temporarily speechless—I got into the car without even a word of thanks.  

Controversial discussions on gender dynamics aside, I have a growing respect for sincere gentlemanly behavior. Such behavior is truly an above-average blend of respect, honor, and humility, and should never be considered antiquated unless somehow we no longer find those three traits meaningful. Interestingly enough, the same three traits also characterize a dying mode of behavior among women—ladylikeness.

Flashback to the first days of 2014. The wind was biting cold and I was openly shivering as my sister, two cousins, and a friendly middle-aged couple stood waiting for the bus to pick us up from outreach at GYC-Orlando. I was not dressed warmly, I admit…but who would have expected such freezing weather in Florida? We chatted with the couple and the gentleman calmly took off his thick, flannel-lined coat. With one confident movement he placed it around my shoulders while saying, “Could you hold this for me?” I was not speechless that time and gave him my sincerest smile and thanks.

These instances have left an impression on my heart. They bring to mind another gentleman I´ve been privileged to know. He takes His own robe and covers my rags, all the while being sensitive to make me feel like I´m doing Him a favor by accepting His gift. He is not too proud to give me more chances than I deserve when I despise His Love and grace. He offers to carry my burdens. He willingly forgives. He is valiantly protective of me and yet always gives me the right to choose. He offers a strong arm whenever I am weary. He hurries to open doors for me and yet knocks patiently at the door of my heart instead of demanding entrance. He leaves spring flowers where He knows I will find them and be delighted (which makes Him more than just a gentleman, but a romantic gentleman at that).

It feels strange…being the recipient of such behavior…but it melts me every time. What can one do with such a God—such a Gentleman—but Love, serve, and be devoted to Him forever?      

 

Reading the Sky

Cold night. First without rain in a while. The stars talk me into stepping outside.

I trip over a bucket of water before stretching out on a bench. It´s almost midnight. Even with my jacket zipped and my arms folded around me I start shivering. But I can´t go back inside…not yet. Star-studded blackness is too eloquent to read over quickly, too rich with un-captured emotion. Perusal is not enough. I need a few more minutes, a couple more moments to even put one complete thought together from the letter written by points of starlight. 

Photo Credits

A starry sky can either make someone feel incredibly small and alone in the universe…or amazingly small and loved. The distance between the stars and my planet can either represent the distance separating us from heavenly realms or the distance Love traveled to prove its earnestness. All the light-years between suns and galaxies quietly show the length to which Divine Love will always go to reach us.

A wave of crashing Love pierces the Earth´s atmosphere and reaches the shores of my heart. I realize I can stop Love in its trajectory. I can refuse this space-defying, space-filling Love…it will not force its way into my soul. “But no,” I think as my vision is blurred by a tear, “I cannot pretend to shiver alone when the same Love that holds the stars in suspension is surrounding me.”   

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained; what is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man, that thou visitest him?” Psalm 8:3, 4

Why my pride and God's love don't mix

True love is embodied in humility. God Himself didn´t mind appearing desperate in order to prove the sincerity of His affection. His heart longed for you almost to the point of “need” and thus He rushed to wash your feet and touch your blind eyes and sleep on the hard ground next to you. God wanted you…and so He let you mock Him, and slap His kind face, and nail His naked body to a cross. It is, in fact, the absence of pride that makes His love so powerful and undeniably pure! Empty of ulterior motives and ego, all He possessed to embrace us with was a great Love!

God-inspired falling in love requires that your pride fall away. God-inspired falling in love leads you to abandon your ego, drop to your knees and clean the dirty feet of the one you cherish.

There is a love that carries you up into dizzying happiness, but it is inevitably preceded by a Love that cast aside its crown and became your servant…Love that humbled itself and became obedient. Love can take you to heights, but only because it has traveled willingly to the depths. 

Yes, there is the exultant side to love, when the princess gets swept off her feet and basks in the care and gaze of One who adores her. But bear in mind, the only reason she can be gloriously ushered into a new life is because her Prince first threw himself down. He took the risk and humbly pursued her with everything He had.

Humility remains the only way to accept that kind of love and ultimately show that kind of love. As the princess grasps the essence of humility by witnessing the chivalrous example of her Prince, a divine romance becomes possible—a harmony of two souls who have made room for extravagant love by expelling all pride.   

“The more deeply you recognize that your pride cuts you off from God, the deeper the peace you will find.”  - J. Heinrich Arnold