Falling in Like

I don´t mind that our courtship has been rather unusual (or yes, super weird in many people´s eyes)! I don´t mind because it has been more wonderful and sweet than any experience I could have ever tried to imagine. As I look back, I have to smile at some of our early journey together. Here is an excerpt from almost a year ago...February 2015...

It wasn´t something we consciously discussed. Neither of us ever formally agreed to not utter the expression “I love you” to the other. We just knew. I knew that he wasn´t planning to say it soon and he knew the same about me.

This unique and slightly comical aspect of our relationship was made more obvious to me the day Joshua looked up from his homework and said slowly, “I really like you, Ariana.” Struck as I often am by his sweetness, I unhesitatingly smiled and replied, “I truly like you too, Joshua.” A strange smile took over his face as he noted, “So I guess we´re falling in like with each other.”

As it stands, we are nearing six months of the most special courtship ever and no, we haven´t directly used the word “Love” to describe our feelings toward each other. 

Our reasoning is rather simple. In short, we are saving the phrase “I love you” much like one would save a kiss. Not because the words (or the kiss) are wrong. To the contrary, they are so especially beautiful that we want to be sure we understand their true meaning. We are not afraid of the word but we do revere it.

Sixteen months ago something happened to us. We realized that we had underestimated Love—God´s Love. We had no idea how to truly Love our God. Our discussions concerning how much we lacked a basic understanding of the Universe's greatest power—the active Love of our Creator—filled many a Facebook message. We developed a new respect for the word that God Himself uses to describe His essence. We became aware of how rashly we had declared our love for God in the past. We even took to capitalizing “Love” in all our correspondence to commemorate our conviction.

To be genuinely in Love is an experience that the Creator of the Universe must gift two hearts with. To be genuinely in Love is to be touched and filled by God Himself.  

It is possible to be precipitous and presumptuous with a word that is supposed to mean everything self-sacrificing, unending, strong and pure. And thus, Joshua and I will save our “I love you” until the time God impresses us to calmly and confidently declare His closeness to our hearts. For now, we are quite delighted to be falling in like.    

P.S. The perfect time turned out to be August 29, 2015 when Joshua couldn´t hold back the words "I Love you" any longer and proposed to me atop our special bridge!  

Normal

The green is more brilliant today. The sky is more strikingly blue. This is the clearest it´s been since the fires started over a week ago. The smoke has dissipated and the vibrancy of color returns. I´d almost forgotten what normal was.

I contemplate a comparison between the clearing atmosphere and the moment when we´ll at last see our God face to face rather than “through a glass dimly.”

We've almost forgotten what normal was. We hear only distant rumors of how life was before the haze of sin hid our Father´s countenance and sucked color from our vision. Were we indeed destined for evening walks with our Creator God?

When time brings restoration, a vaguely familiar face will appear—the Holy One who is Love, in full and glorious color. A hidden spring will flood my heart with recognition…this is the face we once knew. This is the original spectrum of color unveiled. Our souls will eagerly drink in the sight…because we´d almost forgotten what normal was. 

That Was Me

She gave vague answers and avoided a few of my questions altogether. I never did find out how she had ended up alone on an isolated stretch of Highway 36 as the sun was about to set.

I´d glimpsed her sitting on a rock as I maneuvered one of the highway´s many curves. Curious and concerned about her safety, I wondered if I should turn around. In a matter of seconds I had prayed, slowed my car, and almost involuntarily found myself heading back the way I´d come.

I rolled down my window and asked if she needed help. She looked slightly nervous but accepted a ride. As we exchanged some words, I realized very quickly that she was mentally unstable and hearing voices (either due to a psychological disorder, drug use, or both, I do not know).

“Are the voices making you afraid at all or are you okay?” I inquired as nonchalantly as possible.

“I´m okay right now,” she said.

For a few moments I doubted whether it was wise to have a woman like this in my car but then remembered it was God who had made me turn around and give her a ride. I tried not to worry.

“Do you have any cigarettes?” she asked.

“No, I don´t smoke. Are you hungry?” I ventured.

“Actually I am,” she said.

After eating two scones that I had with me, she still was giving me only non-specific responses to my efforts at conversation. I turned on a Christian music CD and focused on driving. A few times I could feel her gazing at me. Our mutual silence was only broken by her random bursts of laughter and a bit of unintelligible mumbling.

As I dropped her off at the store I had agreed to leave her at, I made a last effort to confirm that she actually had a place where she would be able to stay that night. She said she´d be fine as she wrapped her shawl around her arms more tightly and walked away with barely a word of thanks.

I drove back towards home. Her strong body odor lingered in the air for a while. I wondered if there was more I could have done. God seemed to assure me that, just as He had sent me to care for some of her needs, He would continue to watch over her. I thought of how much heaven Loves that scared, muttering, broken lady and I hoped that some part of her knew that I loved her.

Had she seen God´s Love in me? If it had been Jesus in the seat next to me, would I have treated Him any more politely or any more warmly than I did that lady?  

In a way, the true answer is “no” because as Jesus says Himself, “That WAS me.”

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” 

Matthew 25:40

Infinite Need (Part 2)

I didn´t even know my own NEED. It was this growing sense that found me walking aimlessly and troubled through the snowy woods. “Oh, to know my poverty, to see my wretchedness, and to feel my need,” I kept thinking over and over. God´s piercing light was working to drill through my autonomy and blinding self-sufficiency. Truth be told, I was slightly terrified that He would never break through and that I would be stuck forever with a proud, lonely, and lost heart.

I sat down on a fallen tree and began to cry. The stunning sunset colors only seemed to represent an amazing love that I would never experience if I never felt my true need for redemption. As my shoulders heaved with pent up emotion, I knew that at least momentarily I was needy. I had nowhere else to turn with my desperation. I felt need…a need for something I knew only God could give…a need perhaps for God Himself. His thoughts of hope, patience, and calling intermingled with my anguished ones. He spoke my name and told me my tears were beautiful to Him. I think I knew then that it would be okay. He still wanted me with a passion, despite everything.  

One place we will never leave, throughout all eternity, is the place of needing God. Never will some spiritual level be attained at which our deep need for His love will disappear. Our desire for independence will fade away but our need for His closeness will only wax stronger. He comforted me by showing me that my struggle and tears were the beginning of me NEEDING Him more…NEEDING Him even to instill the greater sense of NEED in me. He was becoming necessary to my soul´s peace and joy.

I stood and leaned against a nearby fir. I glanced to where I had been sitting previously and realized I barely recognized “that” girl…the girl who moments before had sat dejectedly weeping with her face in her hands. Was that really me? So broken? So helpless? So needy for an understanding embrace and loving word from her God?

Yes. That was me and that is me. I found the real me in a perfect place that I cannot risk forgetting or leaving—the place where I need God more than life.

Our need for love is our need for God. Our need for comfort is our need for God´s arms. Our need for hope is our need for God´s unbreakable promise. Our need for truth is our need for His words. We truly need Him! Our inner being thirsts for Him with an infinite and undeniable need!  Our hearts will indeed wither away and perish without their Creator and Sustainer!

We can pretend that intellectual acceptance of our need is enough, but it isn´t. Mental acknowledgement of our dependence on God is simply a springboard from which to dive into a continual and conscious experience of heart-felt, emotional need. How God wishes to be unashamedly needed! Is your need for Him real?

Infinite Need (Part 1)

(previously unpublished from December 2013)

I stepped off the porch steps and my shoes crunched on the mixture of snow, ice, and gravel. My thoughts were far from confident. I was sure of only one thing…well two, actually. I was sure that God´s love was real and I was sure my only hope was in continuing to seek Him. Five days of inner tumult had worn me down emotionally and just breathing in the freezing air caused tears of desperation to form in my eyes. 

I knew I needed God. But that was nothing new; I had known that for years. The fact was I was being convicted to FEEL my pure need for Him. And that was something I had never deeply experienced. 

His Love had been crashing over me like waves of a passionate sea. I had never known love like this before. I was allured by it and wanted to go deeper. The feeling of being loved as I didn´t deserve provoked rays of love in me towards God that were more beautiful than 1000 sunrises. I truly wanted this encounter to continue into eternity. I wanted this love.

But then the question came, “Do you just want my love, or do you need it? Do you just want to be in a relationship with me, or do you desperately need me?”

I could not move past the question (for five days) because both God and I knew the answer. I was well rehearsed and practiced in the art of professing to need God while inwardly relying on the deception that “I was rich, and increased with goods, and had need of nothing.” I wanted to reply to God´s question and say, “Yes, I need you,” but I could not make myself give a response that I did not feel. I did not feel my true need for Him and thus, I could not correspondingly add one more lie to a lifetime of pretense.  

While relishing in the wonder of this new love experience, my heart was yet failing to fully acknowledge or understand my NEED for this experience with God. He knew there was no other way but to ask me directly and to let the question linger until I was broken. “Do you truly need my love? Because if you don't truly need me, I can't ever become your Everything.”

Invited

It was a simple invitation.

My friends were going on a rock climbing adventure, the text message read. I was invited.

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

For some reason I felt oddly humbled to be included. I felt somehow undeserving of the invitation… Maybe because I knew that girls could have been conveniently excluded from the outing. Maybe because I knew I had no experience, skill, or equipment to contribute to the group.

Though unable to adequately express my gratitude, I treasured my first rock climbing experience as a unique gift…from my friends, from my mom (who captured the moment in photos and permitted me to go), and from my heavenly Father (who gave us the natural world and a spirit of adventure).

The lovely feeling of being invited lingers with me. My mind recalls an invitation I received over 10 months ago—an invitation to the endless adventure of discovering the depths of God´s wondrous Love. As morning sunlight warms my face, I realize again—God is calling, inviting me to experience the next page of adventure with Him.

I am invited. Not because anything I´ve done merits being included on this expedition. Not because God needs someone with experience, skill or equipment (which I don´t have). He just wants the pleasure of my company! He wants to give me the abundant life!

The adventure is for you too. You are invited!   

     

Most Valuable Friend

(Aware that the following exchange could sound presumptuous to some ears, I delayed in sharing it. However, with time I realized that it is no more presumptuous to share this experience than for any of us fallen human beings to sing hymn 186 out loud. It is perhaps better to not risk missing the chance to give a glimpse or reminder of how real a friendship with God can be. It may be me, after all, in need of such a reminder.)

Excerpt – Hymn 186

I´ve found a Friend; oh, such a Friend!

He loved me ere I knew Him;

He drew me with the cords of Love,

And thus He bound me to Him.

  

I have this Friend. We met to hang out at the bridge yesterday. We talked, pondered things together, and just sat peacefully in growing knowledge of each other.

As I got up to leave He said, “Thank you for being my friend even though I´m invisible.”

Struck by His heart-felt gratitude, I replied, “Of course. Thank You for being my friend even though I´m often too deaf to hear You and too hard-hearted to believe You.”   

He spoke softly, “Let´s never stop being friends. Never stop trying to get to know Me.”

At that exact moment I knew. I realized that the beginnings of my friendship with my Savior were real! Why else would the most joyous part of my Sabbath involve seeking His invisible company on top of an old bridge?

I confess…I like Him. He makes me smile. He has the uncanny ability of lightening my heart at any hour of the day. He doesn´t mind when I´m quiet, although He also seems delighted when I have lots to say. I, in turn, have learned not to mind when He is quiet. I listen when He is brimming with pent-up emotions, whether happy or sad. He speaks only true things to me. I treasure the smallest of insights into His way of thinking. I like being here for Him. He is always there for me. Yes, I like Him very much indeed and find Him entirely Lovely!

Half-walking, half-skipping to my car, I quip, “If You don´t mind the barriers to our friendship, then I don´t either!” (My demure way of saying, “If You can put up with me then I´m sticking around because You are amazing!)

He didn´t have to reply because I knew what He was thinking…sometimes friends know things like that.   

Full Circle

I was back. Nine months later. The same camp grounds where it had sparked.

Sitting on the dilapidated remnants of an old wagon, the morning coolness reached through my sweatshirt. I felt expectant about the coming week of summer camp. I wondered why God had brought me back to this specific place.

This place had seen the first unexpected tears that ran down my cheeks when I realized God had never been the true Love and passion of my days. Nine months ago I began to see. I peered into myself and glimpsed my lackluster devotion to my Savior. I saw that I had only entertained passing pieces of God´s Love for me and had never grasped them and made them mine.

Midway through the week of camp, I cried alone under the night sky. I cried because I was seeing myself once more…I was seeing myself in the eyes of each of my seven campers. Each one of them was me—a girl who beneath all my exterior fronts would simply like to know whether there is such a thing as true Love and how in the world to let that Love into my heart.

I looked towards the cots where the girls slept. My heart ached for each one to know the Love of their Father God. Nine months ago a similar ache was felt in God´s chest as He watched me sleep…longing to penetrate my blind, oblivious, independent, self-centered soul.

I was back. Full circle. Amazed. Stunned by God´s grace in my life. Hopeful that true Love would never stop seeking us.

Truly, each of those girls is no farther than I was from hearing the whisper… “So listen, little girl, somewhere there´s a King who will Love you forever. And nothing in the world could ever come between you, my love, and this Lover.”*

*Taken from lyrics by Andrew Peterson

Ocean, Laughter, and Jesus

His name is Ocean. He is my nephew. His birthday is the day before mine. He just turned 6. He prefers living in the country because he likes “open spaces” (direct quote). We both like green.  Fruit popsicles are our favorite.

Two days ago we spent the afternoon together for our annual June birthday outing. After a bike ride and eating lunch, we ended up at the beach. True to form there quickly appeared the uncontrolled smile and giggly glee that overtake Ocean whenever he´s near water. It´s of no use rolling up his pants…he´ll get wet regardless. His excitement was contagious. We ran along the shore making sand fortresses for the next wave to wash away. We laughed while our fortresses dissolved. We laughed when Ocean fell into the cold surf. We laughed when the water made our feet numb. We laughed while I attempted one-handed cartwheels.

I would like to think, that although there is no record of Jesus ever having laughed, that He was laughing and dashing with us on the Humboldt County sands. 

I would like to think that when Jesus said “of such is the kingdom of heaven,” He spoke of a group of little ones that included a six year-old, water-loving boy with a carefree, infectious laugh. 

I would like to think that as Jesus hung on the cross that part of the joy that gave Him strength to endure was a picture of Ocean and I jumping with glee on the beach. 

He died to give us that moment of pure joy…He died to give us an eternity of such moments. He longs for the day when He can laugh like a kid and run with His excited, rambunctious children along the shores of a river clear as crystal.   

  

Before We Meet

Dear Beating Heart, Tiny Boy, Baby Nephew…

You´re on my mind.

Of course you´re on my mind. It´s past your due date and you´re on everybody´s mind (most especially your waiting mom´s)! :D

But you´re in my thoughts more than superficially, baby number four. I´ve had the excitement of awaiting a nephew before, but this is the first time I´ve ever waited for you—waited to see your eyes, hear your voice, cradle your head, and officially introduce myself as your Tía Ana. I have loved your brother and sisters, but this joy is different for you are entirely your own person. I will love you in completely unique ways because you are unique. To love you before I´ve ever seen you is a priceless privilege.

You have a great future, unborn one! Your first touch will be from your Grandpa Ruben. You will make your Papa´s blue eyes shine when he gets to hold you. You will grow up with a Mom who has one of the most beautiful faces in the world and, more significantly, a beautiful heart. You will see green trees surrounding you and you will breathe mountain air. There will be three rambunctious people who will jump on your bed and want to hug you and feed you and, soon enough, tease you. You will be bright. You will be blessed.

Lovely as she waits

You are going to make a mark on earth´s history that no one else can make. I know you are destined for greatness and I will look on in amazement at your abilities. A lifetime will not be enough to appreciate your uniqueness, so please promise me that you will believe in and learn to Love the God of eternity! He put breath in you for not just an earth-bound future, but for a heavenly one as well—a future filled with the most satisfying Love you can imagine!

Oh little life, I love you and my excitement grows with each second. But that is nothing compared to the brimming anticipation of the One who Loves you most…He saw your face long ago and you captured His heart.

You´re on His mind.

Love, Tía Ana

Annoyed by...

 I was annoyed.

(Lately it seems whenever I confess to someone that I was annoyed, they do a double-take and with shock in their tone say, “You get annoyed?”  To set the records of my reputation straight—Yes, Ariana gets annoyed by others like all normal human beings. Similarly, I am at times annoyed without being able to explain the reason why.) 

Last week was strange. My cousin was visiting for several days and I normally would have enjoyed every second of his company. Not only is he a cousin who I care for (as I cherish all my cousins), but he is a cousin with whom I have shared poignant spiritual conversations and experiences.

  

However, this time a vague annoyance would steal over me whenever he entered the room. He knew I was determined to finish some work projects and so he would mostly come into my room just to lie on the mattress and read a book. But just knowing he was in the room annoyed me. I couldn´t explain my annoyance except to say that I felt he was somehow silently expecting something of me.  If he happened to come up to my computer desk and ventured to ask “Whatcha doing?”  (a question that to me had all too obvious of an answer), I would have to take a deep breath in order to give a minimally polite response. This was not a passing case of annoyance. It was full-blown.I hid my annoyance fairly well and hoped it would pass. I was too busy to think or pray about it for too long. 

One afternoon we decided to stop and talk to God at a favorite bridge of mine on the way home. The day was brilliant and filled with wind. As we shared our spiritual contemplations with each other and with God, I felt all trace of annoyance with my cousin disappear.

Getting in the car and driving away, it hit me. I knew why I had been so annoyed.  My cousin´s expectations were impossible to avoid.  He expected me to have new spiritual insight. He expected continuation of conversations about God´s Love. He expected the spontaneous prayer times we both reveled in. He expected the excitement in my voice. He expected the intense seeking after God in my daily living. Without saying anything out loud, he was looking for all these things in me and I reacted negatively to the pressure of these expectations.

My cousin was not the only expectant one. Nor was he the only one I was inwardly annoyed at. God was likewise expectant. Truthfully, I was annoyed by God—by His expectations. How could He expect above-average performance from an average girl? How could He expect a totally transformed life? How could He expect my hand to cling tenaciously to His? How could He expect more sacrifice? How could He expect ceaseless passion from a girl who gets tired and has work deadlines?

But then again, how could He not? He has said I am His and He is mine…thus making ALL things attainable and ALL things a joy through His Love. (Lesson learned). 

Quiet Love

It creeps up so silently…catching me off guard every time.

I am overtaken.

I stop surrendered in mid-stride.

I turn around slowly to confront my conqueror.

I find only the sun as it ascends over the treetops, or a tiny flower posing near my feet, or my niece smiling up at me, or the twinkling of the first star, or the tune of my sister´s whistle, or the wind touching my brow, or the echo of a Psalm written centuries ago.

It is then I remember that the truest Love is the quietest kind that does not demand attention or require noisy evidences. It is, in fact, easily passed by…often ignored and misunderstood.

It surrounds us. Yet we walk on without a nod towards the invisible.

For some reason (pure grace most likely), I am occasionally awoken by a subtle tap on my heart. The Love of my God steals over me; I cannot resist it. I fall captive to His quiet Love. 

More.

I struggle with believing. I know so very little. I am, however, convinced of the following.

There is more.

(People don´t remind me of this enough. And so I become adjusted to the self-righteous status quo and satisfied with a slightly above-average level of good deeds and efforts. I do just enough and achieve just enough to consider myself completely happy…most of the time.)

There is more to life, more to God, more to true Love…more than has ever met your eye or entered your imagination.

(Most people don´t look for the “more.” And so I don´t look either because such a search wouldn´t be applauded or understood. I fear the risk of pursuing something Intangible, because what if it´s actually not there?)

Whether you are smiling or crying, brimming with faith or full of doubt, in love with the world or in love with Jesus, indifferent or intrigued, a redeemed sinner or a hollow saint, or anywhere in between…please take a moment to consider—there is MORE.

(People like me gloss over their emptiness and others are overwhelmed by it. Either way finds us wasting away our days and years acquiring more things, debts, pride, experiences, blessings, human knowledge…but missing out on the “more” we were destined for.)

If you have glimpsed a Love of a different order—there is more to be experienced. If you have been disillusioned by people you trusted or ideologies you believed—there is more to life. If you have inherited a blurry or contradictory picture of God´s character—there is more to God. If you think you know what real love is—there is more to true Love. There is more in the limitless heart of God. Undeniable Love? Breath-taking depths? Safe places? Yes, there is more.  

This heart is home

Three porch steps before bursting into the house with a whirl of spring night air. I untie my green shoelaces and toss my shoes by the door. In a matter of seconds my coat is hanging in its usual place and my hands are catching warmth from the woodstove.

Being outdoors is amazing, but what is inside these particular walls is home.

 
I hear the voices of my dad and sister talking upstairs. I have no idea what they´re saying…but I know it is a pleasant exchange of words.

I head up to the room I call mine. My fingers automatically find the oddly-located light switch behind the door. The book is where I left it. Papers and miscellaneous objects still cover my desk haphazardly. I lie down on the carpet and begin to read.

I realize that one reason I am happy in this house is because no one questions my presence here. No one has ever told me I didn´t belong here. When I leave, no one has required me to go elsewhere. When I return, no one says that my place has been filled by someone else.

The peace of knowing this structure exists (…that I can come back to it, dwell in it, sleep in it, play the piano in it, be quiet in it, feel safe in it, and play Battleship with my nephew in it) is striking.

I wonder if Jesus could ever find such a peaceful and assured dwelling place in my heart. Can Jesus confidently stride into my heart without knocking, kick off His shoes, and be warmed by my love? Or does He still feel just like a guest? Could Jesus ever softly say, “The splendor of my Universe is amazing, but what is inside this particular heart is home. I am safe in this heart. I am happy in this heart…because no one questions my Presence here.”

“But will God in very deed dwell with men on the earth? Behold, heaven and the heaven of heavens cannot contain thee; how much less this house which I have built!” II Chronicles 6:18

Reading the Sky

Cold night. First without rain in a while. The stars talk me into stepping outside.

I trip over a bucket of water before stretching out on a bench. It´s almost midnight. Even with my jacket zipped and my arms folded around me I start shivering. But I can´t go back inside…not yet. Star-studded blackness is too eloquent to read over quickly, too rich with un-captured emotion. Perusal is not enough. I need a few more minutes, a couple more moments to even put one complete thought together from the letter written by points of starlight. 

Photo Credits

A starry sky can either make someone feel incredibly small and alone in the universe…or amazingly small and loved. The distance between the stars and my planet can either represent the distance separating us from heavenly realms or the distance Love traveled to prove its earnestness. All the light-years between suns and galaxies quietly show the length to which Divine Love will always go to reach us.

A wave of crashing Love pierces the Earth´s atmosphere and reaches the shores of my heart. I realize I can stop Love in its trajectory. I can refuse this space-defying, space-filling Love…it will not force its way into my soul. “But no,” I think as my vision is blurred by a tear, “I cannot pretend to shiver alone when the same Love that holds the stars in suspension is surrounding me.”   

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained; what is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man, that thou visitest him?” Psalm 8:3, 4

His Hand

“Come, let me show you something.”

He took us by the hand and pulled us to our feet. That was the day I discovered I was ready to become something different. For the first time I realized I had been sitting down when I had been created to walk in love and twirl in joy and run in the sand with my hand in His.

Something changed when His hand reached for mine, when His warm fingers covered my cold ones. Everything changed. Everything seemed suddenly touched with possibility. The clasp was strength to me; the tenderness of it was inspiration.

Time passes and I can´t imagine my life without that hand. I trust the heart that compels me to follow His footsteps across rivers and through even desert waste places. I toss and turn in the dark sometimes and can´t see His hand…I let go. But His hand finds me and His grasp tells me that He doesn´t ever want to be separated again.

I love skipping at His side. When I´m weary, He carries me. Running through green pastures, He slows His pace and lets me catch my breath. He´ll stop and point at a tree or mountaintop that might be fun to climb. We head off hand in hand.

I have to wonder at times, “Would I still be sitting in that same place if He hadn´t come that day to show me what it´s like to live life holding His hand?”

"I the LORD have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and will keep thee." Isaiah 42:6

Unpacking

Home after two weeks. Passed are the long hours on interstates and highways.

Now back to where all is familiar—Humboldt. Suitcase unpacked. Attempts to put my room back in order. The living of 2014 waits expectantly. Fresh responsibilities clamor for attention.

Honestly though, my heart is not yet unpacked. I hold within me experiences, conversations, and sights that I´m afraid to categorize and put away.

In a ridiculous way I am attached to 2013, specifically the last 3 months of it. I unequivocally consider them the most vivid, most impactful 3 months of my life. The experiences of our year-end road trip were like a needful weaving together of various strands of my recent existence. I am not eager to walk full stride into my common routine when I am still trying to interpret the meaning of so much.

What if I forget? What if the emotions didn´t sink in deep enough to change me? What if I make the same mistakes again? What if time convinces me that over-flowing happiness is transient and transformation not possible? What if the laughter, tears and prayers of the last 2 weeks lose their significance? What if the all-consuming desire to know the Love of God fades in the busy schedule of things?

I admit…I´m too nostalgic. I always have been. God doesn´t mind. He actually grows excited as He listens to my woeful questioning. His own response makes Him gleeful.

“Precious child, the moments we´ve spent together have delighted me to no end, but the best is yet to come! The love you´ve found in me has no starting point and no ending point…nothing can quench it, whilst every prayer, and smile, and unselfish act make it grow more intense. You´ve been caught up into something eternal, beautifully entangled in something lovely, captivated by something rather invisible. And yet it is real. I am real. Greater love never ceases to give its life for the beloved. I will fight for you and continue to win your heart more profoundly with each sunrise. Our memories are sweet, but our future is sweeter. The coming hours, days, and months will not be easier or without trouble, but they will be increasingly lovely as my character and plan unfolds before your eyes. What glorious beginnings—simply a foretaste of heaven itself!”

(deep breath) I feel ready to unpack now. I´ve found a special place in my room for all my blessed memories. Their echoes will inspire me to scramble over rocks, run into waves, stare up at the stars, and reflect my new joy—unhindered.

The Loudest

I linger in my car for a moment before heading into the courthouse. The sun is bright, but the wind is biting cold. It´s a typical winter work day in Humboldt until…

My cellphone vibrates on the seat next to me. A text message. It reads:

I just wanted to make you aware that I really appreciate you!! Te amo muito, beijinhos :-) 

I smile at the sweetness of the message from Eurides (my brother´s new bride of a little over 3 months).  I open my car door and realize that I almost feel like crying, happy tears. It´s so warming to know that you are loved. I spend the day wishing that everyone in the world could receive a text message like that one.

It meant more to me than to most, evidently. I´m a word person. I like words. I cherish sincere things that people have taken the time to articulate.

Interestingly, though, I´ve begun to appreciate a new kind of expression—the absence of words, or, to put it simply, silence. One day as I lay on my back in the grass, I envisioned the cross. The cross with a heaving man nailed to its frame. The whole saga, His entire earthly sojourn, was in reality an endless line of desperate “I love you(s)” springing forth from a heart in love. And the cross was the epitome. The cross was the loudest “I LOVE YOU” ever not spoken.   

He didn´t utter those three words from that cross. He didn´t have to. Each trickle of blood was an expression of love. Each bruise was His passionate desire for you. Each painful breath was a piece of joy that He dreamt of giving to His beloved. His outstretched arms were His longing to hold you. His distraught eyes quietly begged the question “Is there anything else I can do to show you that I love you more than life?”  

Christ´s “I LOVE YOU” from the cross was breath-taking not because it was spoken or written, but because it knew no bounds…it was lived, it was shown, it was embodied, and it was willing to die.

His love was beyond words—a Word made flesh. A passion deeper than anything I´ve ever read or heard—a timeless emotion. I don´t mind wordless moments on my knees anymore. I´m beginning to learn the beauty of immersing oneself in God´s silences. God communicates volumes in the absence of speech. His silences brim over with unspeakable love.

The lyrics keep coming to mind, “It´s amazing the way you speak right to my heart. Without saying a word you can light up the dark.” The wordless “I love you” that reaches to me across centuries speaks loudly to my heart. I almost feel like crying. My Savior rushes to my side and His face lights up the dark inside of me. It is so warming to know that you are loved. I spend the day wishing that everyone in the world would receive the message radiating from His cross.  

"...the earth is full of His Unfailing Love." Psalm 33:5

Ocean's Call

What´s the greatest gift you´ve ever received? The biggest? The costliest? The most memorable? What about the most incomprehensible?
 

What if someone gave you an Ocean?  A private Ocean just for you. What would you do with it? Perhaps you would excitedly stroll along the beach, run barefoot in the sand, play happily in the surf, and be in awe over its vast expanse. “Really?” you ask as you gaze to where the ocean meets the horizon and merges into the sky, “This is all mine? This extravagant, limitless amount of water is all for me?” You inhale the sea breeze deeply and can´t exactly wrap your mind around what´s yours. 

What would you do with it? If you´re a curious type perhaps you´ll take a boat and sail away, determined to explore the immensity before you. But imagine there´s a problem…you refuse to dive in. You avoid getting too wet. You fear being submerged. You are anxious about sinking too deep. The unknown, the incomprehensible, seems a bit risky. So you stick to the shore, you contentedly sail on the surface.

God´s love for you IS your private ocean, but you´ve never encountered it deeply. You have never lost yourself in His infinite love, because you´ve never jumped in unafraid.  

While God is wanting the undertow to sweep us off our feet and pull us into the ocean´s depths, while God is longing to capsize our boat and soak us completely in the salty waters…we have spent our lives playing in the waves and floating untouched on its surface. God´s love is an Ocean and it has belonged to us from ages past and into eternity. We´ve known about and touched it. Maybe we´ve even tasted it and preached about it, but in all honesty we don´t know what to do with it. We don´t know how to let it invade us and captivate our souls. We don´t know how to let it overtake us, sink us, and completely transform us.

“Behold, what manner of LOVE the Father hath bestowed upon us…” It is a fathomless, pristine, and perfectly true LOVE that “casts out fear.” (I John 3:1, 4:18)