Falling in Like

I don´t mind that our courtship has been rather unusual (or yes, super weird in many people´s eyes)! I don´t mind because it has been more wonderful and sweet than any experience I could have ever tried to imagine. As I look back, I have to smile at some of our early journey together. Here is an excerpt from almost a year ago...February 2015...

It wasn´t something we consciously discussed. Neither of us ever formally agreed to not utter the expression “I love you” to the other. We just knew. I knew that he wasn´t planning to say it soon and he knew the same about me.

This unique and slightly comical aspect of our relationship was made more obvious to me the day Joshua looked up from his homework and said slowly, “I really like you, Ariana.” Struck as I often am by his sweetness, I unhesitatingly smiled and replied, “I truly like you too, Joshua.” A strange smile took over his face as he noted, “So I guess we´re falling in like with each other.”

As it stands, we are nearing six months of the most special courtship ever and no, we haven´t directly used the word “Love” to describe our feelings toward each other. 

Our reasoning is rather simple. In short, we are saving the phrase “I love you” much like one would save a kiss. Not because the words (or the kiss) are wrong. To the contrary, they are so especially beautiful that we want to be sure we understand their true meaning. We are not afraid of the word but we do revere it.

Sixteen months ago something happened to us. We realized that we had underestimated Love—God´s Love. We had no idea how to truly Love our God. Our discussions concerning how much we lacked a basic understanding of the Universe's greatest power—the active Love of our Creator—filled many a Facebook message. We developed a new respect for the word that God Himself uses to describe His essence. We became aware of how rashly we had declared our love for God in the past. We even took to capitalizing “Love” in all our correspondence to commemorate our conviction.

To be genuinely in Love is an experience that the Creator of the Universe must gift two hearts with. To be genuinely in Love is to be touched and filled by God Himself.  

It is possible to be precipitous and presumptuous with a word that is supposed to mean everything self-sacrificing, unending, strong and pure. And thus, Joshua and I will save our “I love you” until the time God impresses us to calmly and confidently declare His closeness to our hearts. For now, we are quite delighted to be falling in like.    

P.S. The perfect time turned out to be August 29, 2015 when Joshua couldn´t hold back the words "I Love you" any longer and proposed to me atop our special bridge!  

Jealous

“Can I ask you something?”

(I´m never quite sure what to expect when I hear this question from Joshua. It could be a cute, silly question he´s about to ask or it could be a more difficult, heart-probing one. Nonetheless, I always say “Of course.”)

“Are you a little bit jealous?” he asked with a rare intonation in his voice that I couldn´t interpret.

“Um…hmm, let me think…I guess I haven´t really identified that emotion in myself very often, so I´m not sure exactly how it feels…but yes, it could be I´m a little jealous.”

His reply was a chuckle.

“Why are you laughing, Josh? It´s obviously something I need to work on.”

“It´s funny thinking of you being jealous. It´s kind of cute. It´s been a long time since someone cared about me enough to be jealous.”

It was a small incident. He had met with a friend to study for an exam. The friend was a girl. He hadn´t thought anything of it until it had come up in our conversation. He immediately apologized for not having explained his plans to me first before meeting with his classmate. I knew he hadn´t intended to keep anything from me and I was ready to move on to another topic when the whole “jealousy” question came up.

Joshua´s comments had an unexpected impact. I had to stop and contemplate the implications of godly jealousy versus human jealousy. I went to the scriptures and confirmed that God´s word describes God, not just once but several times, as a Jealous God. Innately, God is a God of passion and zeal. While my jealousy is most likely centered on self, God´s jealous nature is focused on a deep desire to be close to us, to be in relationship with us. When other things and other people get in the way of us being completely His (and thus, completely happy), He is jealous. When sin separates us from Him, He is angered, not because He is angry in human terms but because He ardently Loves in Divine terms. 

Although God´s jealousy is far too sacred to be described as “cute,” it is sweetly incredible that He cares enough about me to be jealous.

“Yes,” God admits, “I´m a bit jealous over you.”  

"They have provoked Me to jealousy by what is not God; they have moved Me to anger by their foolish idols."

Deuteronomy 32:21

God´s Kind of Gift

It is uniquely fulfilling to see Ocean proudly wearing the jersey I brought him from Brazil…to see my Mom using the Nikon we got her for Mother´s Day…to see my friend reading a book I've shared with him.

I try to imagine how I can make God feel that way. How can I bring a smile of utter satisfaction to His face by how I respond to His gifts? How do I even accept a gift that I feel undeserving of?

It was four months ago and some.

I glanced at Joshua's profile in the seat next to me. My eyes blurred slightly with tears before I decidedly moved on with my next statement, “It's one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me.”

It was an unanticipated gift. One I had not been looking for. One that, honestly, I had not even prayed for. Yet, here it was. Here HE was—a young man who had decided to pray and consult with my family (for several months) before ever approaching me to express his particular interest. My friend Joshua—by choosing to honor seemingly old-fashioned, scriptural principles of pursuing a relationship—was extending to me the priceless opportunity of experiencing a God-guided courtship.  

I was a bit stunned then. I am incredulous yet now, by the gift of godly courtship and the gift of Joshua's admiration. I did nothing to deserve this.  How could God trust a fumbling girl with such lovely realities?

“Don´t worry,” God whispers, “Take them. They are yours. I trust you. Enjoy them.”

Words fall way too short. But with as much depth as I can muster, I will cherish the gifts God has placed in my hands. I want God to smile as He sees me delight in what He has bestowed. In the sincerest form of gratitude, I will enjoy this page of the life He has granted. 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

Happens to be

Last Tuesday was the birthday of an important man—the one whose hands were the first to hold me. He is one of the best men I know. In the midst of many faces, there is one face that I recognize as my father and he is kind.

We have no choice when it comes to what family we are born into. I didn´t choose a good father. He was simply there. Much like humanity did not choose to be created by a being who cared.

Our Creator—our God—might have been impersonal. He could have been cruel. He could have been taciturn, or unreasonable, or selfish.

Instead, the One being who has no beginning and no end, the One who will have the last word, the One who chose to create us (and in whom we are chosen), happens to be good.

Of all the “gods” conjured up by human minds, the true God—MY God—dares to define Himself with one word—Love.                                                                      

I didn´t choose a God of Love. He chose me…and He changes not. 

Most Valuable Friend

(Aware that the following exchange could sound presumptuous to some ears, I delayed in sharing it. However, with time I realized that it is no more presumptuous to share this experience than for any of us fallen human beings to sing hymn 186 out loud. It is perhaps better to not risk missing the chance to give a glimpse or reminder of how real a friendship with God can be. It may be me, after all, in need of such a reminder.)

Excerpt – Hymn 186

I´ve found a Friend; oh, such a Friend!

He loved me ere I knew Him;

He drew me with the cords of Love,

And thus He bound me to Him.

  

I have this Friend. We met to hang out at the bridge yesterday. We talked, pondered things together, and just sat peacefully in growing knowledge of each other.

As I got up to leave He said, “Thank you for being my friend even though I´m invisible.”

Struck by His heart-felt gratitude, I replied, “Of course. Thank You for being my friend even though I´m often too deaf to hear You and too hard-hearted to believe You.”   

He spoke softly, “Let´s never stop being friends. Never stop trying to get to know Me.”

At that exact moment I knew. I realized that the beginnings of my friendship with my Savior were real! Why else would the most joyous part of my Sabbath involve seeking His invisible company on top of an old bridge?

I confess…I like Him. He makes me smile. He has the uncanny ability of lightening my heart at any hour of the day. He doesn´t mind when I´m quiet, although He also seems delighted when I have lots to say. I, in turn, have learned not to mind when He is quiet. I listen when He is brimming with pent-up emotions, whether happy or sad. He speaks only true things to me. I treasure the smallest of insights into His way of thinking. I like being here for Him. He is always there for me. Yes, I like Him very much indeed and find Him entirely Lovely!

Half-walking, half-skipping to my car, I quip, “If You don´t mind the barriers to our friendship, then I don´t either!” (My demure way of saying, “If You can put up with me then I´m sticking around because You are amazing!)

He didn´t have to reply because I knew what He was thinking…sometimes friends know things like that.   

Ocean, Laughter, and Jesus

His name is Ocean. He is my nephew. His birthday is the day before mine. He just turned 6. He prefers living in the country because he likes “open spaces” (direct quote). We both like green.  Fruit popsicles are our favorite.

Two days ago we spent the afternoon together for our annual June birthday outing. After a bike ride and eating lunch, we ended up at the beach. True to form there quickly appeared the uncontrolled smile and giggly glee that overtake Ocean whenever he´s near water. It´s of no use rolling up his pants…he´ll get wet regardless. His excitement was contagious. We ran along the shore making sand fortresses for the next wave to wash away. We laughed while our fortresses dissolved. We laughed when Ocean fell into the cold surf. We laughed when the water made our feet numb. We laughed while I attempted one-handed cartwheels.

I would like to think, that although there is no record of Jesus ever having laughed, that He was laughing and dashing with us on the Humboldt County sands. 

I would like to think that when Jesus said “of such is the kingdom of heaven,” He spoke of a group of little ones that included a six year-old, water-loving boy with a carefree, infectious laugh. 

I would like to think that as Jesus hung on the cross that part of the joy that gave Him strength to endure was a picture of Ocean and I jumping with glee on the beach. 

He died to give us that moment of pure joy…He died to give us an eternity of such moments. He longs for the day when He can laugh like a kid and run with His excited, rambunctious children along the shores of a river clear as crystal.   

  

The Gentleman

“Here, let me get the door for you.”

The fact that it was a car door threw me off. No one had ever intentionally quickened their step in order to open a car door for me. Weren´t things like that usually done for ladies in formal dresses on special occasions, not for girls in mud-covered hiking boots on ordinary days? It felt strange and—being rendered temporarily speechless—I got into the car without even a word of thanks.  

Controversial discussions on gender dynamics aside, I have a growing respect for sincere gentlemanly behavior. Such behavior is truly an above-average blend of respect, honor, and humility, and should never be considered antiquated unless somehow we no longer find those three traits meaningful. Interestingly enough, the same three traits also characterize a dying mode of behavior among women—ladylikeness.

Flashback to the first days of 2014. The wind was biting cold and I was openly shivering as my sister, two cousins, and a friendly middle-aged couple stood waiting for the bus to pick us up from outreach at GYC-Orlando. I was not dressed warmly, I admit…but who would have expected such freezing weather in Florida? We chatted with the couple and the gentleman calmly took off his thick, flannel-lined coat. With one confident movement he placed it around my shoulders while saying, “Could you hold this for me?” I was not speechless that time and gave him my sincerest smile and thanks.

These instances have left an impression on my heart. They bring to mind another gentleman I´ve been privileged to know. He takes His own robe and covers my rags, all the while being sensitive to make me feel like I´m doing Him a favor by accepting His gift. He is not too proud to give me more chances than I deserve when I despise His Love and grace. He offers to carry my burdens. He willingly forgives. He is valiantly protective of me and yet always gives me the right to choose. He offers a strong arm whenever I am weary. He hurries to open doors for me and yet knocks patiently at the door of my heart instead of demanding entrance. He leaves spring flowers where He knows I will find them and be delighted (which makes Him more than just a gentleman, but a romantic gentleman at that).

It feels strange…being the recipient of such behavior…but it melts me every time. What can one do with such a God—such a Gentleman—but Love, serve, and be devoted to Him forever?      

 

His Hand

“Come, let me show you something.”

He took us by the hand and pulled us to our feet. That was the day I discovered I was ready to become something different. For the first time I realized I had been sitting down when I had been created to walk in love and twirl in joy and run in the sand with my hand in His.

Something changed when His hand reached for mine, when His warm fingers covered my cold ones. Everything changed. Everything seemed suddenly touched with possibility. The clasp was strength to me; the tenderness of it was inspiration.

Time passes and I can´t imagine my life without that hand. I trust the heart that compels me to follow His footsteps across rivers and through even desert waste places. I toss and turn in the dark sometimes and can´t see His hand…I let go. But His hand finds me and His grasp tells me that He doesn´t ever want to be separated again.

I love skipping at His side. When I´m weary, He carries me. Running through green pastures, He slows His pace and lets me catch my breath. He´ll stop and point at a tree or mountaintop that might be fun to climb. We head off hand in hand.

I have to wonder at times, “Would I still be sitting in that same place if He hadn´t come that day to show me what it´s like to live life holding His hand?”

"I the LORD have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and will keep thee." Isaiah 42:6

A Poem You Are

A girl with bright eyes turns four today. Here are a few words to celebrate the niece whose life, personality, twirls, and laughs are like lines of poetry.  

It was before you were born.

I dreamt of you.

You were a poem,

A line of meaning.

I awoke with a smile of joy.  

But I soon forgot why.

I tried remembering,

How the words I had dreamt

Flowed together like running water,

And sang harmony with the rocks.

I searched the horizon,

For the lost blur of syllables

That had whispered such sweetness.

I looked into your eyes one day.

And then had to look again.

I glimpsed a word that rhymed

With the sky, and yet another

That defined the waves at my feet.

I saw meaning floating

In the depths of your smile.

You are the poem.

You are the dream.

You have found my arms.

And I awake with smiles once more.  

Lifetime Romance

My friend Claudia happened to hear a couple of songs I had saved on my laptop. She turned to me and asked with slight incredulity, “So…you´re a romantic?”

I had to laugh and replied, “Isn´t everyone?”

Although it was just a quick response, I realized that I actually believe we were all meant to be romantics. While due to sin, confusion, societal misconceptions, and hurt, some eyes no longer see the beauty in a pure love story, or pretend not to, we were made to recognize and admire true, unselfish love. Mutual devotion and willing commitment between two people are a testimony to grace. God Himself invented romance and even calls His chosen people “His betrothed” and “His bride.” There is a romantic gleam in all of our hearts, small or flickering though it may be. Even as real life examples of God-inspired romance may be few and far between, our minds will continue to guard an image, an ideal of romance that goes beyond sentimentalism, fairytale endings, and red roses.

Thus, as one of countless romantics, my heart naturally feels joyous as we look forward to September 2, 2013. A huge moment in the life of my brother Nathan and my soon-to-be sister Eurides. Anticipation grows. An excitement is noted in our conversations. But a wedding cannot be considered the high point, or epitome, of lovely romance. The moment of “I do” is but the symbolically-rich prelude to a symphony for which they have been preparing even before ever meeting. The walk down the aisle represents the first steps of a romance that I pray and believe will last forever.

I love you Nath and Eurides…and if you can´t tell, I´m super excited!

Check out their story and pics…Eurides&Nathan Wedding Website

That Uninhibited Smile

 

The emotion is fresh every time. Almost dizzying. It starts small, a barely noticeable change in heart rate. Then the peaceful rush of joy that explodes into uninhibited, careless smiles.

 

These moments are random. I don´t have to be at a certain place. Time of day is not a factor. It helps to be quiet, like when you´re driving home from work without the radio on. Sometimes it helps to be outdoors, in direct contact with the sunlight, wind, or rain. It helps to be still, as you lie in bed or pause in the midst of a day´s activity. But no matter where you are or what you´re doing, it´s beautiful!

You look around and realize there´s nothing else that accounts for this happiness swelling your soul. It must be…yes…it has to be, the recognition that you are thinking of Him and He is thinking of you at the exact same moment in time. The reaction takes milliseconds; it´s always the same—that meaningful skyward glance, the uninhibited smile of glee on your face. You can´t see His face, but your heart knows that God is smiling too, unabashedly.

“Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable…”  I Peter 1:8 KJV

It is true that I believe that God is present always. But there is something special about when our thoughts and smiles—mine and His—spontaneously coincide.