Courtship is Not the Answer

The concept of courtship (viewed as an alternative to dating) is at times controversial. Greatly acclaimed by some, it is likewise highly scorned by others. There is nothing sacred about the word “courtship” as compared to the word “dating.” Courtship is not a magic wand that can suddenly transform a romantic relationship into a holy pursuit. It is not a miracle cure for the world´s relationship ills.  As a term, a concept or a set of principles, courtship is not the answer. I am more convinced every day that there is only One Answer in this world, and His name is Jesus. So why do I choose to use the word courtship at all?

Let me clarify something really important. I learned from personal mistakes that courtship is not about saying “no” when asked out on dates, it is not about potential suitors talking to your parents, it is not about going out on group dates instead of dates alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it is not about not having sex or not kissing your partner prematurely, and it is most definitely not about trying to be different from the world by sheer will-power. 

Courtship is deeper than outward behavior. Courtship is a matter of the heart and the heart of the matter is Submission.

Submission may not sound very inviting, but it is the most peaceful place in the whole world—a place where deep joy and freedom abound. When I use the word courtship, it encompasses principles that apply long before I meet “the one” and which continue to be relevant after marriage and into eternity. Courtship is:

1. Submitting my emotions/feelings to the truth of God.

2. Submitting my future to the wisdom and Love of God.

While our emotions are an incredible gift from God, they are not to be our guide, especially when we´re talking about life´s most important decisions. Surrendering our fantasies, attraction and romantic feelings to God (yes, even when the other person is a wonderful, godly potential partner) takes away the emotional clutter and distraction from our hearts and minds so that God can make the first move, so that God can give us clear indicators when it´s the right person and the right time.

We often are in danger of elevating ourselves above God and thinking we know more about how to bring about a beautiful future for us than He does. A true follower has cast his life into the hands of the master. Don´t you agree that the most beautiful love stories will result from casting our lives into the hands of Love itself? When we learn day by day to fully trust Him and be satisfied with Him, our hearts can be set free from concern about who or where our future spouse is.

In God´s great wisdom, He has prepared parents or godly mentors who help us take our submission experience deeper yet. Sadly, many young people outwardly go to friends, family or pastors for counsel but are inwardly not willing to submit to that counsel due to their emotions that are already invested in a certain guy/girl. In turn, many parents, pastors and mentors are unprepared to give good counsel that would draw forth a greater experience in submission. However, if you know that your parents or mentors have a true connection with the God of heaven, there should be no fear but rather great peace and rest in knowing that they are on your side, they will fight for your future happiness and will guard you from unwise decisions.   

The principles of courtship draw my eyes away from self-trust and call me towards the sweet Lover of my soul. 

Courtship should never be put on a pedestal. Courtship, in and of itself, is not the answer, but it points me to the Answer. The principles of courtship remind me Who should be at the center of my thoughts, heart and life. You may call it by a different name, but for me courtship comes down to an attitude of the heart, an attitude of dependence and submission that I believe greatly pleases the Creator.  

Imperfect

We all know a bit too much about imperfect.

It´s all around us. It´s inescapable.

Imperfect is when a college student does not return from class because they´ve been shot.

Imperfect is when the kids in El Salvador´s streets cannot avoid gangs, rape and empty futures. 

Imperfect is when families in Syria have access to no safe place on the entire planet. 

Imperfect is when the little girl still thinks her parent´s divorce was her fault.

Imperfect is the 17-year-old in court who has tried to stop smoking marijuana for two years but can´t, and all the rehab facilities have waiting lists.

Imperfect is an irregular heartbeat on an EKG that scares me.

Imperfect is the hidden tears on the young face of one I love. 

We know too much about imperfect.

Our belief in anything—humanity, reforms, beauty, God—waxes thin and our hearts grow tired of loving. But something inside of us shouts for reason…for don´t you only label things as imperfect because your soul also knows that perfect exists? Isn´t all this chaos of imperfection inversely defining some pristine and yet illusive concept of perfection?

Perhaps there is a “perfect” Love that would make us entirely less afraid. Perhaps there is a “perfect” way by which imperfect beings can be made spotless again through the grace and sacrifice of another. Perhaps there is a “perfect” sequence of events weaving itself above and beyond and through all this imperfection. Perhaps the only way for the superiority of Perfection to be made convincingly manifest is to let the ugliness of imperfection run its course. Perhaps this mess of broken and fallen realities will draw us, without force or coercion, to develop a loyalty within us that will never allow this to happen again.

Jealous

“Can I ask you something?”

(I´m never quite sure what to expect when I hear this question from Joshua. It could be a cute, silly question he´s about to ask or it could be a more difficult, heart-probing one. Nonetheless, I always say “Of course.”)

“Are you a little bit jealous?” he asked with a rare intonation in his voice that I couldn´t interpret.

“Um…hmm, let me think…I guess I haven´t really identified that emotion in myself very often, so I´m not sure exactly how it feels…but yes, it could be I´m a little jealous.”

His reply was a chuckle.

“Why are you laughing, Josh? It´s obviously something I need to work on.”

“It´s funny thinking of you being jealous. It´s kind of cute. It´s been a long time since someone cared about me enough to be jealous.”

It was a small incident. He had met with a friend to study for an exam. The friend was a girl. He hadn´t thought anything of it until it had come up in our conversation. He immediately apologized for not having explained his plans to me first before meeting with his classmate. I knew he hadn´t intended to keep anything from me and I was ready to move on to another topic when the whole “jealousy” question came up.

Joshua´s comments had an unexpected impact. I had to stop and contemplate the implications of godly jealousy versus human jealousy. I went to the scriptures and confirmed that God´s word describes God, not just once but several times, as a Jealous God. Innately, God is a God of passion and zeal. While my jealousy is most likely centered on self, God´s jealous nature is focused on a deep desire to be close to us, to be in relationship with us. When other things and other people get in the way of us being completely His (and thus, completely happy), He is jealous. When sin separates us from Him, He is angered, not because He is angry in human terms but because He ardently Loves in Divine terms. 

Although God´s jealousy is far too sacred to be described as “cute,” it is sweetly incredible that He cares enough about me to be jealous.

“Yes,” God admits, “I´m a bit jealous over you.”  

"They have provoked Me to jealousy by what is not God; they have moved Me to anger by their foolish idols."

Deuteronomy 32:21

That Word

As I told the story, I cringed when I heard myself saying a certain word.

It didn´t matter that I was speaking in Spanish. It´s a word that has been diluted in every human language. It´s a word that is pure glory... and yet it now barely flickers shrouded in centuries of tainted interpretation. 

I don´t want to use it. But I have no other choice. No other expression comes any closer.

Every time I say it, I feel an urge to expound on it and explain its growing significance in my heart. But my words would probably do it more injustice.

I simply say it…hoping it can fend for itself as it travels on waves of sound. 

Sadly, its truth—a blend of beautiful fragility and echoing power—is mocked, made superficial, or misunderstood by most of us.

The word is “Love.”

I used to subtly dislike the word for other reasons. It seemed too romanticized, too emotional, too much associated with crying. People who “fell in love” often did impractical things and threw wise counsel to the wind. It wasn´t until more recently that I began identifying all the distortions linked to this word. I decided to let go of my notions about what Love was and let God define it for me. Little by little God has been adding to His multi-dimensional definition. This incredible adventure of learning God´s definition stirs me to want to share, write, sing, and be joyously quiet.

And yet I cringe, for neither my weak words nor my amazed silence are eloquent enough…and the word may continue to be misunderstood by us all.

"...for Love is of God..." 

God´s Kind of Gift

It is uniquely fulfilling to see Ocean proudly wearing the jersey I brought him from Brazil…to see my Mom using the Nikon we got her for Mother´s Day…to see my friend reading a book I've shared with him.

I try to imagine how I can make God feel that way. How can I bring a smile of utter satisfaction to His face by how I respond to His gifts? How do I even accept a gift that I feel undeserving of?

It was four months ago and some.

I glanced at Joshua's profile in the seat next to me. My eyes blurred slightly with tears before I decidedly moved on with my next statement, “It's one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me.”

It was an unanticipated gift. One I had not been looking for. One that, honestly, I had not even prayed for. Yet, here it was. Here HE was—a young man who had decided to pray and consult with my family (for several months) before ever approaching me to express his particular interest. My friend Joshua—by choosing to honor seemingly old-fashioned, scriptural principles of pursuing a relationship—was extending to me the priceless opportunity of experiencing a God-guided courtship.  

I was a bit stunned then. I am incredulous yet now, by the gift of godly courtship and the gift of Joshua's admiration. I did nothing to deserve this.  How could God trust a fumbling girl with such lovely realities?

“Don´t worry,” God whispers, “Take them. They are yours. I trust you. Enjoy them.”

Words fall way too short. But with as much depth as I can muster, I will cherish the gifts God has placed in my hands. I want God to smile as He sees me delight in what He has bestowed. In the sincerest form of gratitude, I will enjoy this page of the life He has granted. 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

Happens to be

Last Tuesday was the birthday of an important man—the one whose hands were the first to hold me. He is one of the best men I know. In the midst of many faces, there is one face that I recognize as my father and he is kind.

We have no choice when it comes to what family we are born into. I didn´t choose a good father. He was simply there. Much like humanity did not choose to be created by a being who cared.

Our Creator—our God—might have been impersonal. He could have been cruel. He could have been taciturn, or unreasonable, or selfish.

Instead, the One being who has no beginning and no end, the One who will have the last word, the One who chose to create us (and in whom we are chosen), happens to be good.

Of all the “gods” conjured up by human minds, the true God—MY God—dares to define Himself with one word—Love.                                                                      

I didn´t choose a God of Love. He chose me…and He changes not. 

Match Made in Heaven

It was a match too perfect for coincidence. A match that made angels breathe deeply in wonder.

I walked away from it. I followed illusions. I thought there was more to life. 

At various bends in the road I wondered why my soul felt jagged and incomplete. Why did I sometimes ache inside for something I could not pronounce? Why was I restless?

One day, on a hillside covered with dry grass, I felt my heart settle. My being sank into a place that felt like home when He said, “I Love you, Ari.”

I knew then that this match was dreamed up in heaven long ago. Surfaces of my soul that had always felt lost and vulnerable had actually been fashioned to rest against the warm surface of Love.

“Your heart matches Mine,” my Invisible Companion affirmed with a nod.

It´s why I keep coming back to this hillside. It´s why I won´t look anywhere else for answers. Here I met my God. Here my heart met its match.  

Waking Up

Sleepy eyes. Time to get up. Unmotivated.

I don´t want to think about the school and work assignments that await me.

The horizon is just beginning to turn light. My window frames a piece of the changing sky. In my drowsiness a wave of nostalgia hits me—I guess if I´m honest I actually must say a wave of sadness.

I miss Him. The clouds have still not rolled back as a scroll. His glory has not yet broken through the atmosphere, making everything right again. Another morning without seeing His face. It´s almost too much to bear at 5:50 a.m.    

I imagine the framed piece of the sky being a door to heaven. Maybe if I stare at it long enough. Maybe if I relentlessly look up it will swing open and I will see the joyous and tearful face of my God rushing to let me feel His arms for the first time.

But I am still on this side of the door…and He on the other. Could it be He is more anxious than I, with His scarred hand expectantly hovering near the door handle? Heart beating fast? Longing to end His millennia of loneliness…waiting to fling aside the separation and take away earth´s pain forever.

 

A lonely yet lovely tune reaches my ears. I´m not imagining it. The bird sings on and I know it is God´s chosen musician. Dawning realization is that, despite everything, this morning has been anointed by Love—my feeble love for Him and His aching Love for me.  All becomes bearable…because I have heard the Love song.    

Because Of The Gold.

To see God digging in the dirt is shocking at first. He digs deep into the hardness. Shoulder and back muscles stiffen with repeated effort. The dirt caves in. He starts over. His hands blister. An occasional tear traces down His dust-covered face. Never resting He does not lose the determined urgency in His eyes. When He makes notable progress, a smile breaks like the dawn. 

He evidently knows something that we don´t. What is it that He seeks?

He seeks what was lost—Divine glory that once rested upon creation. We see the crust of filthiness and dross covering us…God tenaciously sees the gold. Though lost to our view, He believes it is still below the surface.  It is valuable to Him. He is willing to risk all for it.

God drew up a plan of salvation based on the belief that His Son´s cruel death would not be in vain. God trusted that at least one sin-tainted heart would submit to the power of love and grace and be made perfect. God trusted that the pure gold in us could be found and restored. He believed we could be renewed. The Divine belief in us is beyond our understanding. But it makes sense to Him. He never considers that His ongoing sacrifice is for naught…because of the gold, because of the treasure, because of the pearl of great price that He loves, because of you.

He knows our capacity for failure. He also knows our capacity to shine and excel. He will trust us until we begin to identify more with the gold that is visible to Him, than with the dross that keeps us weak and unconfident. His trust (and the pain we feel when we break that trust) will remind us that we are called to perfection…it will also remind us that He who called is faithful to perform. If He does not stalwartly believe in us, He cannot transform us. Thus, His heart will submit to being battered, for there is no other way for us to truly grow and for the gold to start emerging.

It's not a game of "make-believe" or "pretend" for Him. God actually sees the gold in us. He put it there. He glimpses it and says, “Let us trust this soul as if it were entirely worthy of our trust. Let us confidently believe in what this dross-covered mess was created to be. Let us trust in order to make what is weak, strong…what is dirty, into gold. And presently our trust will make this soul absolutely trustworthy.”   

When I see God digging in the dirt, I have to believe too. I have to accept His absolute belief. There WILL be hearts that allow God´s love to pull them from the mire and purify them as gold.  

          

Unpacking

Home after two weeks. Passed are the long hours on interstates and highways.

Now back to where all is familiar—Humboldt. Suitcase unpacked. Attempts to put my room back in order. The living of 2014 waits expectantly. Fresh responsibilities clamor for attention.

Honestly though, my heart is not yet unpacked. I hold within me experiences, conversations, and sights that I´m afraid to categorize and put away.

In a ridiculous way I am attached to 2013, specifically the last 3 months of it. I unequivocally consider them the most vivid, most impactful 3 months of my life. The experiences of our year-end road trip were like a needful weaving together of various strands of my recent existence. I am not eager to walk full stride into my common routine when I am still trying to interpret the meaning of so much.

What if I forget? What if the emotions didn´t sink in deep enough to change me? What if I make the same mistakes again? What if time convinces me that over-flowing happiness is transient and transformation not possible? What if the laughter, tears and prayers of the last 2 weeks lose their significance? What if the all-consuming desire to know the Love of God fades in the busy schedule of things?

I admit…I´m too nostalgic. I always have been. God doesn´t mind. He actually grows excited as He listens to my woeful questioning. His own response makes Him gleeful.

“Precious child, the moments we´ve spent together have delighted me to no end, but the best is yet to come! The love you´ve found in me has no starting point and no ending point…nothing can quench it, whilst every prayer, and smile, and unselfish act make it grow more intense. You´ve been caught up into something eternal, beautifully entangled in something lovely, captivated by something rather invisible. And yet it is real. I am real. Greater love never ceases to give its life for the beloved. I will fight for you and continue to win your heart more profoundly with each sunrise. Our memories are sweet, but our future is sweeter. The coming hours, days, and months will not be easier or without trouble, but they will be increasingly lovely as my character and plan unfolds before your eyes. What glorious beginnings—simply a foretaste of heaven itself!”

(deep breath) I feel ready to unpack now. I´ve found a special place in my room for all my blessed memories. Their echoes will inspire me to scramble over rocks, run into waves, stare up at the stars, and reflect my new joy—unhindered.

What If I Gave All?

The Son looking into His Father´s concerned eyes asks, “What if I gave all?”

“Yes,” the Father replies with a catch in His tone, “A gift like that would change the world.”

I don´t quite know why a song at a benefit concert melts me deep within. No one else seems heavily affected by it. But the idea latches onto my heart because it sounds so familiar. It´s a thought that's periodically shaken me during the past two months. It´s a question that sends shivers of joy and possibility through the courts of heaven—what if someone gave all?

A true heart encounter with God´s love invades us with a devotion that dares to ask, “What if I gave all? What if this incredible love of God drives me to offer up all? What if my Jesus expects me to expend my life´s blood as He did—giving all?” These questions bring us to the brink of truly loving because LOVE in its pure essence is WILLINGLY GIVING ALL FOR ANOTHER´S BENEFIT.  

A conviction has begun to beat in my soul, the conviction that God´s people must experience God´s love at a real and astounding level before they can be empowered to do the “greater things” that Jesus promised. A human soul inundated with divine love is only possible when everything else is given away, when nothing is held back from the Creator.  

I want to follow the way of love, the way of sacrifice. I want to place all my earthly treasures on the altar and gain the One True Eternal Treasure—God.  I see this as the only way to not be pretend. I can´t stand my empty and superficial ways of loving and giving. But I don´t know what it means...to give all.  

What does “giving all” mean when I get up off my knees? What does “giving all” mean as I step out my front door and head to work? What does “giving all” mean while I exchange words with friends and strangers? What does “giving all” mean when I make important life decisions? 

I search Jesus´ life for glimpses of what “giving all” meant to Him on the smallest scale of daily life. I am assured that the answers will come as I keep my eyes fixed on the face of Love. The question cannot stay in the back of my mind. I cannot let it slip away. I need this possibility to taunt me and tantalize me constantly. Someone, somewhere, must persist long enough to discover what it means to give ALL and it will be a priceless, pristine, and packed reflection of Divine Love. It WILL change the world.  

“…walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath GIVEN HIMSELF for us…” Ephesians 5:2

Trust Matters

A look of expectancy in their eyes always sparks a throb of compassion within me.  Even on hardened, tattooed faces I read the unspoken plea in their expression—“Please. Please trust me. Trust me one more time.”

Laws have been disregarded. People have been hurt. Accusations of broken trust, some valid and others unfounded, fill the hallways. It´s another day in court. The orange-clad inmate stands awaiting the judge´s decision…release on his own recognizance (a defendant´s promise to return to court) or continued detention. And it all comes down to trust. Does the judge trust him enough to release him back into society? Does his behavior warrant a second chance? Can he be trusted to keep his promise, trusted with freedom?

The reality of the legal system contrasts with my friend´s words, “Yeah, don´t. Don´t trust me. I´ll disappoint you again. I don´t want you to trust me ´cause at some point I´ll fail and hurt you.”

I was momentarily quiet and then swallowed before replying, “Well, I´ll trust you anyways because I love you and I know you´re trying.”

Love changes the whole picture. Unlike the judge who objectively considers the legal case of a stranger, I saw that God´s personal love for me does not deliberate over His decision. He recklessly forgives and then amazingly trusts me again…all because He unceasingly loves. His forgiveness sets me free from my past; His trust in my potential calls me to new life.

Like my friend, I fear being trusted. I mentally want to run not from God´s love but from the weight of trust—the trust that a love relationship with God implies. I know I cannot fulfill the expectations of a perfect God. I would break His trust, bruise His heart, and fall short.    

It was when I imagined the inmate´s handcuffs being unlocked that I realized the power of trust. If I didn´t let God trust me, I would stay shackled to this earth, stuck in my inability to obey. God´s trust in us makes victory possible. His bold trust in me means my freedom.  He knows. He knows that trusting me sets me free to disappoint Him. But He knows that it also enables me to bring abounding satisfaction to His existence. His confidence in my “ability” brings me to my knees seeking continual help and strength.  

You see, being trusted by someone who loves you sets you free to disappoint, but it also sets you free to succeed. Free to fall, but also free to attain new heights in the power of Jesus Christ. Trust places intimidating expectations upon us, but they are expectations that call us to be more than we ever imagined.

So, when God tells you “I trust you,” it means He loves you and is setting you free.