To Whom Would We Go?

I stand amazed. For no one compares to Him.

At the end of a busy week, on the brink of another that appears even more daunting, I turn to Him.

I consider the weakness and nothingness I have to offer God when He deserves so much. I think of how much I need His wisdom and strength, and yet how little I have prayed. I mentally analyze this desire I have to Love Him purely and serve Him energetically, and I contrast that with how much I actually do.

I gather these thoughts together and present them to Him. I’m not proud of them. They make my heart heavy. But I offer them to Him because they are sincere. I offer them to Him because I have nowhere else to go.

He does not turn away.

“Father, I am here, because to where else or to whom else would I go. My eyes have seen that You are gracious. I have known the touch of Your hand. My days are surrounded with the happiness and Love that You alone bestow. I can’t stop believing in the One who believes so steadily in me. You are too true, oh God, and thus, when my heart wanders, it always comes back to You.”

I will stand amazed often during my journey here. For no one compares to Him.  

Jesus said to the twelve, “You don’t want to go away too, do you?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God!”  John 6:67, 68

Normal

The green is more brilliant today. The sky is more strikingly blue. This is the clearest it´s been since the fires started over a week ago. The smoke has dissipated and the vibrancy of color returns. I´d almost forgotten what normal was.

I contemplate a comparison between the clearing atmosphere and the moment when we´ll at last see our God face to face rather than “through a glass dimly.”

We've almost forgotten what normal was. We hear only distant rumors of how life was before the haze of sin hid our Father´s countenance and sucked color from our vision. Were we indeed destined for evening walks with our Creator God?

When time brings restoration, a vaguely familiar face will appear—the Holy One who is Love, in full and glorious color. A hidden spring will flood my heart with recognition…this is the face we once knew. This is the original spectrum of color unveiled. Our souls will eagerly drink in the sight…because we´d almost forgotten what normal was. 

Can´t Wait

Time. I perceive it differently now. Every time his silver Honda disappears from view, time takes on new dimensions, a new edge. I can´t wait!

I can´t wait until the next time I get to see his smile or hear his familiar greetings over the phone. I suppose it´s a common enough type of anticipation felt by couples in the courtship phase of life. However common it may be, it is richly significant.  

It was this slight ache of anticipation one day that caused me to glance upward and ask, “How in the world do you do it, Father God? How can you possibly bear the centuries-long ache of waiting to embrace us and have us nearby?” 

If, after all, I find it difficult to wait a few days to see the boy who is winning my heart, what must be the depth of anxiousness that God feels towards several billion dear ones who He passionately loves and longs to dwell with? How must it feel for our God to be perpetually consumed with the intense feeling of “I can´t wait?” 

God´s response intrigued me.

“You´re right,” He said. “I can´t wait in a way that is far beyond your mind´s grasp. But one thing is better than being tangibly and visibly with you. One thing makes the wait bearable.”

“What would that be, Father God?”

“Being with your spirit. Communing with you heart to heart. I´d rather have this kind of closeness any day. Closer than close. Sure, I dream of embracing you, but until then I just want to dwell in your heart. And one day…I´ll have you nearby in every sense of the word. Truly, dear one, I know how you feel. I can´t wait.”   

Jealous

“Can I ask you something?”

(I´m never quite sure what to expect when I hear this question from Joshua. It could be a cute, silly question he´s about to ask or it could be a more difficult, heart-probing one. Nonetheless, I always say “Of course.”)

“Are you a little bit jealous?” he asked with a rare intonation in his voice that I couldn´t interpret.

“Um…hmm, let me think…I guess I haven´t really identified that emotion in myself very often, so I´m not sure exactly how it feels…but yes, it could be I´m a little jealous.”

His reply was a chuckle.

“Why are you laughing, Josh? It´s obviously something I need to work on.”

“It´s funny thinking of you being jealous. It´s kind of cute. It´s been a long time since someone cared about me enough to be jealous.”

It was a small incident. He had met with a friend to study for an exam. The friend was a girl. He hadn´t thought anything of it until it had come up in our conversation. He immediately apologized for not having explained his plans to me first before meeting with his classmate. I knew he hadn´t intended to keep anything from me and I was ready to move on to another topic when the whole “jealousy” question came up.

Joshua´s comments had an unexpected impact. I had to stop and contemplate the implications of godly jealousy versus human jealousy. I went to the scriptures and confirmed that God´s word describes God, not just once but several times, as a Jealous God. Innately, God is a God of passion and zeal. While my jealousy is most likely centered on self, God´s jealous nature is focused on a deep desire to be close to us, to be in relationship with us. When other things and other people get in the way of us being completely His (and thus, completely happy), He is jealous. When sin separates us from Him, He is angered, not because He is angry in human terms but because He ardently Loves in Divine terms. 

Although God´s jealousy is far too sacred to be described as “cute,” it is sweetly incredible that He cares enough about me to be jealous.

“Yes,” God admits, “I´m a bit jealous over you.”  

"They have provoked Me to jealousy by what is not God; they have moved Me to anger by their foolish idols."

Deuteronomy 32:21

That Was Me

She gave vague answers and avoided a few of my questions altogether. I never did find out how she had ended up alone on an isolated stretch of Highway 36 as the sun was about to set.

I´d glimpsed her sitting on a rock as I maneuvered one of the highway´s many curves. Curious and concerned about her safety, I wondered if I should turn around. In a matter of seconds I had prayed, slowed my car, and almost involuntarily found myself heading back the way I´d come.

I rolled down my window and asked if she needed help. She looked slightly nervous but accepted a ride. As we exchanged some words, I realized very quickly that she was mentally unstable and hearing voices (either due to a psychological disorder, drug use, or both, I do not know).

“Are the voices making you afraid at all or are you okay?” I inquired as nonchalantly as possible.

“I´m okay right now,” she said.

For a few moments I doubted whether it was wise to have a woman like this in my car but then remembered it was God who had made me turn around and give her a ride. I tried not to worry.

“Do you have any cigarettes?” she asked.

“No, I don´t smoke. Are you hungry?” I ventured.

“Actually I am,” she said.

After eating two scones that I had with me, she still was giving me only non-specific responses to my efforts at conversation. I turned on a Christian music CD and focused on driving. A few times I could feel her gazing at me. Our mutual silence was only broken by her random bursts of laughter and a bit of unintelligible mumbling.

As I dropped her off at the store I had agreed to leave her at, I made a last effort to confirm that she actually had a place where she would be able to stay that night. She said she´d be fine as she wrapped her shawl around her arms more tightly and walked away with barely a word of thanks.

I drove back towards home. Her strong body odor lingered in the air for a while. I wondered if there was more I could have done. God seemed to assure me that, just as He had sent me to care for some of her needs, He would continue to watch over her. I thought of how much heaven Loves that scared, muttering, broken lady and I hoped that some part of her knew that I loved her.

Had she seen God´s Love in me? If it had been Jesus in the seat next to me, would I have treated Him any more politely or any more warmly than I did that lady?  

In a way, the true answer is “no” because as Jesus says Himself, “That WAS me.”

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” 

Matthew 25:40

Infinite Need (Part 2)

I didn´t even know my own NEED. It was this growing sense that found me walking aimlessly and troubled through the snowy woods. “Oh, to know my poverty, to see my wretchedness, and to feel my need,” I kept thinking over and over. God´s piercing light was working to drill through my autonomy and blinding self-sufficiency. Truth be told, I was slightly terrified that He would never break through and that I would be stuck forever with a proud, lonely, and lost heart.

I sat down on a fallen tree and began to cry. The stunning sunset colors only seemed to represent an amazing love that I would never experience if I never felt my true need for redemption. As my shoulders heaved with pent up emotion, I knew that at least momentarily I was needy. I had nowhere else to turn with my desperation. I felt need…a need for something I knew only God could give…a need perhaps for God Himself. His thoughts of hope, patience, and calling intermingled with my anguished ones. He spoke my name and told me my tears were beautiful to Him. I think I knew then that it would be okay. He still wanted me with a passion, despite everything.  

One place we will never leave, throughout all eternity, is the place of needing God. Never will some spiritual level be attained at which our deep need for His love will disappear. Our desire for independence will fade away but our need for His closeness will only wax stronger. He comforted me by showing me that my struggle and tears were the beginning of me NEEDING Him more…NEEDING Him even to instill the greater sense of NEED in me. He was becoming necessary to my soul´s peace and joy.

I stood and leaned against a nearby fir. I glanced to where I had been sitting previously and realized I barely recognized “that” girl…the girl who moments before had sat dejectedly weeping with her face in her hands. Was that really me? So broken? So helpless? So needy for an understanding embrace and loving word from her God?

Yes. That was me and that is me. I found the real me in a perfect place that I cannot risk forgetting or leaving—the place where I need God more than life.

Our need for love is our need for God. Our need for comfort is our need for God´s arms. Our need for hope is our need for God´s unbreakable promise. Our need for truth is our need for His words. We truly need Him! Our inner being thirsts for Him with an infinite and undeniable need!  Our hearts will indeed wither away and perish without their Creator and Sustainer!

We can pretend that intellectual acceptance of our need is enough, but it isn´t. Mental acknowledgement of our dependence on God is simply a springboard from which to dive into a continual and conscious experience of heart-felt, emotional need. How God wishes to be unashamedly needed! Is your need for Him real?

Infinite Need (Part 1)

(previously unpublished from December 2013)

I stepped off the porch steps and my shoes crunched on the mixture of snow, ice, and gravel. My thoughts were far from confident. I was sure of only one thing…well two, actually. I was sure that God´s love was real and I was sure my only hope was in continuing to seek Him. Five days of inner tumult had worn me down emotionally and just breathing in the freezing air caused tears of desperation to form in my eyes. 

I knew I needed God. But that was nothing new; I had known that for years. The fact was I was being convicted to FEEL my pure need for Him. And that was something I had never deeply experienced. 

His Love had been crashing over me like waves of a passionate sea. I had never known love like this before. I was allured by it and wanted to go deeper. The feeling of being loved as I didn´t deserve provoked rays of love in me towards God that were more beautiful than 1000 sunrises. I truly wanted this encounter to continue into eternity. I wanted this love.

But then the question came, “Do you just want my love, or do you need it? Do you just want to be in a relationship with me, or do you desperately need me?”

I could not move past the question (for five days) because both God and I knew the answer. I was well rehearsed and practiced in the art of professing to need God while inwardly relying on the deception that “I was rich, and increased with goods, and had need of nothing.” I wanted to reply to God´s question and say, “Yes, I need you,” but I could not make myself give a response that I did not feel. I did not feel my true need for Him and thus, I could not correspondingly add one more lie to a lifetime of pretense.  

While relishing in the wonder of this new love experience, my heart was yet failing to fully acknowledge or understand my NEED for this experience with God. He knew there was no other way but to ask me directly and to let the question linger until I was broken. “Do you truly need my love? Because if you don't truly need me, I can't ever become your Everything.”

God´s Kind of Gift

It is uniquely fulfilling to see Ocean proudly wearing the jersey I brought him from Brazil…to see my Mom using the Nikon we got her for Mother´s Day…to see my friend reading a book I've shared with him.

I try to imagine how I can make God feel that way. How can I bring a smile of utter satisfaction to His face by how I respond to His gifts? How do I even accept a gift that I feel undeserving of?

It was four months ago and some.

I glanced at Joshua's profile in the seat next to me. My eyes blurred slightly with tears before I decidedly moved on with my next statement, “It's one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me.”

It was an unanticipated gift. One I had not been looking for. One that, honestly, I had not even prayed for. Yet, here it was. Here HE was—a young man who had decided to pray and consult with my family (for several months) before ever approaching me to express his particular interest. My friend Joshua—by choosing to honor seemingly old-fashioned, scriptural principles of pursuing a relationship—was extending to me the priceless opportunity of experiencing a God-guided courtship.  

I was a bit stunned then. I am incredulous yet now, by the gift of godly courtship and the gift of Joshua's admiration. I did nothing to deserve this.  How could God trust a fumbling girl with such lovely realities?

“Don´t worry,” God whispers, “Take them. They are yours. I trust you. Enjoy them.”

Words fall way too short. But with as much depth as I can muster, I will cherish the gifts God has placed in my hands. I want God to smile as He sees me delight in what He has bestowed. In the sincerest form of gratitude, I will enjoy this page of the life He has granted. 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

The Prayer That Is My Life

I pace back and forth. My steps taking me past familiar cement pillars. My bridge.

Almost without warning, tears spring naturally to my eyes. I know He is here. I know I matter to Him. I know His emotion toward me will never change.

As I ponder the dynamics of friendship with God at the dawn of 2015, one thought takes hold.

The greatest thing I have ever done was sit on the cement railing of this bridge and say a prayer. Fifteen months ago, I said the words that reflected the heart of a springing conviction.

“I don´t Love You, Father God…but I want to. Show me Your Love. Teach me how to Love You back. Whatever it takes…I won´t rest until I can say that I Love You with all my heart and mean it.”

Much has happened since I said that broken prayer. I have sought God with varying degrees of passion and have at times been completely distracted. But my prayer has not died because I stand here on January 6, 2015, echoing its sentiment with fresh abandon.

Whatever I may have accomplished in my brief life, whatever I may accomplish in the future, the greatest thing I ever will do on this earth has been done—I said that prayer. That prayer has become my constant. May my soul revolve around that prayer! May nothing deter me! May nothing else take priority! May that prayer BE my life-long pursuit—for my soul truly only longs for Him!

Ancient Road

Yes, I know the new road is paved.

I know the new road saves a lot of time.

I know the new road is clearly marked

I know the new road is less steep.

  Yes, I know that everyone uses the new road now.

But what about the old road?

The ancient one that is now overgrown.

The ancient one that requires intentionality and determination.

The ancient one that you may have to walk alone. 

The ancient one that brings you to high places of the earth.                                           The ancient one that Enoch walked and that led him home.  

Don´t Know Why

I don´t know why it happens. Why suddenly I wake up as from a sleep and realize I´ve failed. I´ve hurt someone I love. I have said the wrong thing. I have stood still when I should have made an effort. I have been blind to things that even a blind person would have “seen.”

I wonder how and why. How I got to that place when my intentions were never terrible. Why I find myself having to fix something that I never meant to break.

Disappointment at my failures has a whole new edge to it. Beyond disappointing myself and another person, I have disappointed the God I love. It is unbearable. All I´ve truly desired in recent months is to reflect a vibrant ray of God´s own Love without distortion. I couldn´t do that. I couldn´t reflect Him purely. I stand numb and ashamed. What can a weak and untrustworthy human ever offer to a deeply faithful God?

I don´t know why it happens. But then again…perhaps I do. It drives me to my knees in self-distrust. It humbles me. It is part of a process…God´s process…a process that I won´t ever fully understand…a process that will one day find me stirring with the first morning light and waking up in His own image, His own likeness! One day I will awake incapable of disappointing Him ever again! 

“As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness.” Psalm 17:15

My heart

It beats in my chest. They say I should follow it. But this heart I call mine deceives. Who can comprehend it? It confuses me until I don´t know what I really want. Its direction is set towards selfishness…and yet, I hate selfishness.

My identity is in conflict. This space within is a battleground. Who am I? 

I run to hide in the branches of one lone, but insistent, desire—a desire for God. I choose to take refuge in that desire despite its smallness. Enfolded in this possibility, I don´t want to leave. Raging conflicts are tuned out. Somehow I know that I´m close to finding what I´ve lost—my authentic heart.

Climbing to the highest branch, there is quiet. Boldness and coherence invade me. I whisper God´s name…and then hear my voice crying out for Him to take over.

His power filters through hardened layers of that heart I call mine. His reality lovingly subdues all wars. In the ransacked emptiness of a surrendered heart, humility makes replacement possible.    

The hand of my God creates a new heart to fill the silent void. It begins to beat in my chest. My own blood courses through pure and restored channels. I am whole. My true heart has come home. 

Perfect harmony…between God´s heartbeat and mine. And yes, I will follow His heart anywhere. 

Invited

It was a simple invitation.

My friends were going on a rock climbing adventure, the text message read. I was invited.

I should not have been surprised, but I was.

For some reason I felt oddly humbled to be included. I felt somehow undeserving of the invitation… Maybe because I knew that girls could have been conveniently excluded from the outing. Maybe because I knew I had no experience, skill, or equipment to contribute to the group.

Though unable to adequately express my gratitude, I treasured my first rock climbing experience as a unique gift…from my friends, from my mom (who captured the moment in photos and permitted me to go), and from my heavenly Father (who gave us the natural world and a spirit of adventure).

The lovely feeling of being invited lingers with me. My mind recalls an invitation I received over 10 months ago—an invitation to the endless adventure of discovering the depths of God´s wondrous Love. As morning sunlight warms my face, I realize again—God is calling, inviting me to experience the next page of adventure with Him.

I am invited. Not because anything I´ve done merits being included on this expedition. Not because God needs someone with experience, skill or equipment (which I don´t have). He just wants the pleasure of my company! He wants to give me the abundant life!

The adventure is for you too. You are invited!   

     

Most Valuable Friend

(Aware that the following exchange could sound presumptuous to some ears, I delayed in sharing it. However, with time I realized that it is no more presumptuous to share this experience than for any of us fallen human beings to sing hymn 186 out loud. It is perhaps better to not risk missing the chance to give a glimpse or reminder of how real a friendship with God can be. It may be me, after all, in need of such a reminder.)

Excerpt – Hymn 186

I´ve found a Friend; oh, such a Friend!

He loved me ere I knew Him;

He drew me with the cords of Love,

And thus He bound me to Him.

  

I have this Friend. We met to hang out at the bridge yesterday. We talked, pondered things together, and just sat peacefully in growing knowledge of each other.

As I got up to leave He said, “Thank you for being my friend even though I´m invisible.”

Struck by His heart-felt gratitude, I replied, “Of course. Thank You for being my friend even though I´m often too deaf to hear You and too hard-hearted to believe You.”   

He spoke softly, “Let´s never stop being friends. Never stop trying to get to know Me.”

At that exact moment I knew. I realized that the beginnings of my friendship with my Savior were real! Why else would the most joyous part of my Sabbath involve seeking His invisible company on top of an old bridge?

I confess…I like Him. He makes me smile. He has the uncanny ability of lightening my heart at any hour of the day. He doesn´t mind when I´m quiet, although He also seems delighted when I have lots to say. I, in turn, have learned not to mind when He is quiet. I listen when He is brimming with pent-up emotions, whether happy or sad. He speaks only true things to me. I treasure the smallest of insights into His way of thinking. I like being here for Him. He is always there for me. Yes, I like Him very much indeed and find Him entirely Lovely!

Half-walking, half-skipping to my car, I quip, “If You don´t mind the barriers to our friendship, then I don´t either!” (My demure way of saying, “If You can put up with me then I´m sticking around because You are amazing!)

He didn´t have to reply because I knew what He was thinking…sometimes friends know things like that.   

For Sure

God is a master communicator. He takes my question and turns it upside down. I end up not knowing whether to smile or cry. I feel ridiculous and enlightened all in one glorious moment.

“Are You sure?” I questioned God, “Are You sure that you have chosen me for this?”

A new dimension of God´s purpose for my life had been tumbling about in my head for several days. As I leaned against the cement bridge after work, a sense of incredulity and inadequacy was my companion. Surely there had to be someone more equipped to fulfill this calling.  

“Are You sure that I´m the right person to ask?”

I could almost hear His quiet laugh as He confidently replied, “I´m sure. I´m absolutely sure.”

“Are YOU sure?” God threw back at me.

“Sure of what?” I asked uncertainly.

“Are YOU sure that I have chosen you? Are YOU convinced that this is my calling for you?”

Silence. The syllables of realization fell into place. God knew that what really, truly mattered was not His being sure, but my being sure. It would make no difference how absolutely confident God was in His choice if I was not willing to internalize His confidence as fact. He could be 100% certain, but if I was doubtful then moving forward was impossible.

His question lingers. Am I sure? Am I convinced that God has chosen me? Do I accept that He has not chosen me generically or arbitrarily, but with insight, precision, and deep knowledge of who I am?

God has likewise chosen you to walk in the light of a unique calling. Are YOU sure?

“Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you…” John 15:16

“…give diligence to make your calling and election sure…” II Peter 1:10         

Constant...Not Rote

First rays of the sun hitting the wall over my bed. Retracing their path through the window at the same angle as they did last July. Not much different than yesterday. I sit up…my eyes squinting and my heart calmly beating in my chest. The rhythm within and without continues. Not much different than yesterday. Not much different than any given dawn in the past 27 years of my existence.

Every once in a while, though, something happens. Something happens that makes you look at the rising sun in wonder, as if beholding a miraculous and mystical reality. Something happens…such as when the heart of one you love ceases to beat…and suddenly today is completely different than yesterday. The sun´s appearance is no longer a rote happening. The mechanical contractions of the heart seem not so mechanical. Life takes on preciousness.

Something new has entered my consciousness this morning. A new truth. It is this—God Loves me…today.

Like the first rays of the sun, I initially thought this truth was not much different than yesterday. God has always Loved me. Every day, every moment. He proved His Love was of the deepest possible caliber on Calvary. I´ve known this since I was a small girl. But wait…can´t you see? TODAY HE CHOSE TO LOVE ME AGAIN!!! TODAY HIS LOVE FOR ME DRIPS OF NEWNESS!!! Can you capture it? His Love is constant, but it is never rote.    

While Love of divine magnitude was made evident at the cross, it did not find conclusion there. God mindfully lives out His Love to us each day much like a devoted husband or wife will choose to make the marriage vows a vibrant reality on a daily basis. Spouses forget their promise at times. He does not forget. He anticipates the sound of my alarm clock so He can wash my soul with fresh Love…not simply because He has to keep up His end of the bargain or because He cannot deny His own essence, but because He longs for me to know that I am of unprecedented value to Him and vital to His happiness.

I hear Him quietly say, “Hey, little one, guess what? Today…yes, today I Love you!”  It´s a new truth…for both Him and me. It takes a moment for this incredible confession to sink in. When it begins to, His emotion is contagious. The sun´s appearance is no longer a rote happening. The mechanical contractions of the heart seem not so mechanical. Life takes on preciousness.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.” Psalm 143:8

[ROTE (adj.) proceeding mechanically and repetitiously; being mechanical and repetitious in nature; routine; habitual.]

Annoyed by...

 I was annoyed.

(Lately it seems whenever I confess to someone that I was annoyed, they do a double-take and with shock in their tone say, “You get annoyed?”  To set the records of my reputation straight—Yes, Ariana gets annoyed by others like all normal human beings. Similarly, I am at times annoyed without being able to explain the reason why.) 

Last week was strange. My cousin was visiting for several days and I normally would have enjoyed every second of his company. Not only is he a cousin who I care for (as I cherish all my cousins), but he is a cousin with whom I have shared poignant spiritual conversations and experiences.

  

However, this time a vague annoyance would steal over me whenever he entered the room. He knew I was determined to finish some work projects and so he would mostly come into my room just to lie on the mattress and read a book. But just knowing he was in the room annoyed me. I couldn´t explain my annoyance except to say that I felt he was somehow silently expecting something of me.  If he happened to come up to my computer desk and ventured to ask “Whatcha doing?”  (a question that to me had all too obvious of an answer), I would have to take a deep breath in order to give a minimally polite response. This was not a passing case of annoyance. It was full-blown.I hid my annoyance fairly well and hoped it would pass. I was too busy to think or pray about it for too long. 

One afternoon we decided to stop and talk to God at a favorite bridge of mine on the way home. The day was brilliant and filled with wind. As we shared our spiritual contemplations with each other and with God, I felt all trace of annoyance with my cousin disappear.

Getting in the car and driving away, it hit me. I knew why I had been so annoyed.  My cousin´s expectations were impossible to avoid.  He expected me to have new spiritual insight. He expected continuation of conversations about God´s Love. He expected the spontaneous prayer times we both reveled in. He expected the excitement in my voice. He expected the intense seeking after God in my daily living. Without saying anything out loud, he was looking for all these things in me and I reacted negatively to the pressure of these expectations.

My cousin was not the only expectant one. Nor was he the only one I was inwardly annoyed at. God was likewise expectant. Truthfully, I was annoyed by God—by His expectations. How could He expect above-average performance from an average girl? How could He expect a totally transformed life? How could He expect my hand to cling tenaciously to His? How could He expect more sacrifice? How could He expect ceaseless passion from a girl who gets tired and has work deadlines?

But then again, how could He not? He has said I am His and He is mine…thus making ALL things attainable and ALL things a joy through His Love. (Lesson learned). 

Replay the song, pick the flower

I never prayed for the miracle. It found me.

I used to be afraid of miracles. I was content reading about miracles long ago and far away in Bible stories…until pure grace turned my perspective upside down. The miracle of God in my plain, unworthy life made me face my fears…the fear of seeing my own helplessness, the fear of being challenged to change, the fear of having to invest my whole life standing by a miracle that I truly believed in.

The funny thing is that my reaction has been quite the opposite. I stretch out my hands to ask for what I was previously fearful of. Songs I´ve heard often enough now break me and challenge me to radical belief. Rain-kissed flowers reflect a love story that is changing my world. I have no desire to get over my amazement and return to my comfortable routine. My only desire is for the miracle to continue…for my breath to be taken away unceasingly…for the reality of God´s kind of love to transform me.

A taste of the miraculous has made me hungry for more. The depth of God´s love is like the call of the wild. I cannot stop hearing its echoes, seeing its beauty even in darkness. I replay the song…I pick the flower…I pause in the light of the sunrise or sunset. 

I am no longer satisfied with hearing a song in a new way…I want to hear it over and over…I want the miracle to reach deeper within. I am no longer happy recognizing God´s love in a flower…I want to touch it…I want to keep its color forever between the pages of my journal.

I want to lose track of all skepticism and realize that the miracle that began many months ago is not stuck in the glorious past. The miracle will continue if I replay the song and pick the flower and let God transform all my fears into new levels of faith. This miracle is an eternal gift from God´s heart to mine and I will not forget. This is just the beginning.   

 

What the Greatest Commandment Doesn't Say

Seven words with a type of magnetic quality. I keep being pulled back to them. The words click into my consciousness at least once a day and my brain cells fire anew trying to decipher why the phrase is so important, so unrelenting, so difficult to process and store neatly on the shelf. Why is this line of syllables distinct from the thousands of other lines of information traveling through my mind?

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God…”  

Love Him. It doesn´t say…love the idea of Him. It doesn´t say…love what He does for you. It doesn´t say…love the blessings He bestows. It doesn´t say…love how He makes you feel. It doesn´t say…love the values that He taught.

It says LOVE HIM.

Love Him. It doesn´t say…acknowledge Him. It doesn´t say…think about Him every morning and sing about Him at church. It doesn´t say…obey Him. It doesn´t say…worship Him. It doesn´t even say…believe in Him with every fiber in your being. 

It says LOVE HIM.

The follow-up phrase drives the thought deeper. It describes a ridiculous level of loving. It articulates what true love requires. It depicts the passion-infused, life-consuming way in which He desires to be loved. Each mention of “ALL” seems to pierce our spiritual complacency…

"...with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, and ALL your mind."

My attention drifts, and then is drawn back. These words trouble me, but for some reason I can´t leave them alone. I realize that this verse intrigues and taunts me because it presents an impossibility. It shouts radicalness and depth of devotion that I am not only uncomfortable with, but completely incapable of.

Why in the world would He ask of us something that we are powerless to give?

Perhaps simply so that we would discover our need for the only One who makes impossible things possible. Love is the Truth, the Life, and the Only Way. This is what the greatest commandment DOES say!

Love in Darkness and Light

A girl kneeling alone on a hillside. Her brow reflects earnestness. You see the clasped hands and imagine that this girl must be one of those full of faith.

But I know differently. At heart this girl is full of doubts.

Words of prayer are sometimes too much for her to formulate because she questions the closeness of one who hears. She wonders whether it is complete craziness to speak phrases that are carried into nothingness on the winter winds. The miracles so recently touched are dimmed by the passing of days and by the darkness cast by faith´s enemy. The sense of separation from the object of her faith leaves only tearful questions to be cast skyward, “Is this real? Is it true?”

When I cannot muster passionate confidence in my praise and petitions, I am somehow yet compelled to that hillside. When God seems most aloof, His face hardly distinct, and His love just a fairytale, I pace back and forth, and refuse to leave. In those precise moments of doubting, the true meaning of faith and love slowly and brightly dawns.

On doubt-shrouded mornings, fog momentarily lets the first rays of the sun break forth. It sinks in, right then and there, that love has always been so much more than an exquisite feeling. Love is a decision, a commitment, a principle that surpasses feelings, and yet instigates feelings all at the same time. When God seeks to know the depth of your love, He may choose to withdraw the “warm feelings” and test the strength of love´s commitment. He may briefly take away the clarity, or the logic, or the fun of it all and prove whether the love principle still beats in our hearts. If we rush to embrace the commitment of love with as much sincerity and excitement as we embrace the feeling of love, God stops what He is doing to take notice…for He has found one who will not forsake loving Him in the dark, through the pain, during any trial, beneath the weight of the heaviest cross.

Many feel the love of God in moments, and maybe even feel love for Him back…but we stop short of engaging that love with all our heart, soul, and mind…we resist committing ourselves to its reality for life...through thick and thin, silences and doubt.       

"Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:8-10