Monday, May 19, 2014

I don´t believe you

It was a sinking and momentarily devastating feeling. No one had ever told me that they seriously doubted my sincerity. Two things made the admission worse—the fact that it came from a friend and the fact that their disbelief concerned an experience that was extremely beautiful to my heart.

I listened...too crushed to say much. I did my best to understand. Tears surfaced. (To think, I had evoked mistrust and doubt in a friend´s mind by how I had lived or spoken or acted.) I immediately wanted to identify where I had gone wrong. Was I truly as insincere as I had been perceived? Were my words perhaps not trustworthy at all? I thanked my friend for their honesty. Our friendship grew after that conversation, but I cannot completely forget the feeling it gave me—to not be trusted, to not be believed. 

Over the months a growing realization is that it is me who, after years of “belief in God,” has never TRULY believed half of what God has spoken and done in Love towards me. Unlike me, God´s heart is infinitely sincere. I prance around His miracles and enjoy the light of His pursuing Love while holding on to partial, superficial belief in Him. With a lifetime of outward belief on my résumé (church goer, scripture memorizer, hymn singer, etc.), where is the absolute belief that would seep into my every day and tinge my every conscious thought? Where is the radical faith that would make my eyes glow with peace and Love beyond measure? Having whispered the words “I love You” to God, can I make decisions that shout “But I only half-believe most of what You say?” Can I doubt the sincerity of One who wordlessly died to give me life?

We have believed in enough counterfeits, have we not? We try to prove ourselves or our ideas worthy of belief. We have believed in things…the power of prayer, the necessity of belief itself, our denominational doctrines, the Christian virtues. Our belief must become deeper and simpler. God seeks one who will simply believe in His Name. His Name is Love. Love cannot lie. Love keeps its promises. With our wavering hearts, we fall short of absolute belief in this life-changing Love. We doubt syllables, phrases, and entire sentences of His truth. Oh God, help thou our unbelief.

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