The Prayer That Is My Life

I pace back and forth. My steps taking me past familiar cement pillars. My bridge.

Almost without warning, tears spring naturally to my eyes. I know He is here. I know I matter to Him. I know His emotion toward me will never change.

As I ponder the dynamics of friendship with God at the dawn of 2015, one thought takes hold.

The greatest thing I have ever done was sit on the cement railing of this bridge and say a prayer. Fifteen months ago, I said the words that reflected the heart of a springing conviction.

“I don´t Love You, Father God…but I want to. Show me Your Love. Teach me how to Love You back. Whatever it takes…I won´t rest until I can say that I Love You with all my heart and mean it.”

Much has happened since I said that broken prayer. I have sought God with varying degrees of passion and have at times been completely distracted. But my prayer has not died because I stand here on January 6, 2015, echoing its sentiment with fresh abandon.

Whatever I may have accomplished in my brief life, whatever I may accomplish in the future, the greatest thing I ever will do on this earth has been done—I said that prayer. That prayer has become my constant. May my soul revolve around that prayer! May nothing deter me! May nothing else take priority! May that prayer BE my life-long pursuit—for my soul truly only longs for Him!

Happens to be

Last Tuesday was the birthday of an important man—the one whose hands were the first to hold me. He is one of the best men I know. In the midst of many faces, there is one face that I recognize as my father and he is kind.

We have no choice when it comes to what family we are born into. I didn´t choose a good father. He was simply there. Much like humanity did not choose to be created by a being who cared.

Our Creator—our God—might have been impersonal. He could have been cruel. He could have been taciturn, or unreasonable, or selfish.

Instead, the One being who has no beginning and no end, the One who will have the last word, the One who chose to create us (and in whom we are chosen), happens to be good.

Of all the “gods” conjured up by human minds, the true God—MY God—dares to define Himself with one word—Love.                                                                      

I didn´t choose a God of Love. He chose me…and He changes not. 

Match Made in Heaven

It was a match too perfect for coincidence. A match that made angels breathe deeply in wonder.

I walked away from it. I followed illusions. I thought there was more to life. 

At various bends in the road I wondered why my soul felt jagged and incomplete. Why did I sometimes ache inside for something I could not pronounce? Why was I restless?

One day, on a hillside covered with dry grass, I felt my heart settle. My being sank into a place that felt like home when He said, “I Love you, Ari.”

I knew then that this match was dreamed up in heaven long ago. Surfaces of my soul that had always felt lost and vulnerable had actually been fashioned to rest against the warm surface of Love.

“Your heart matches Mine,” my Invisible Companion affirmed with a nod.

It´s why I keep coming back to this hillside. It´s why I won´t look anywhere else for answers. Here I met my God. Here my heart met its match.  

Ancient Road

Yes, I know the new road is paved.

I know the new road saves a lot of time.

I know the new road is clearly marked

I know the new road is less steep.

  Yes, I know that everyone uses the new road now.

But what about the old road?

The ancient one that is now overgrown.

The ancient one that requires intentionality and determination.

The ancient one that you may have to walk alone. 

The ancient one that brings you to high places of the earth.                                           The ancient one that Enoch walked and that led him home.  

Don´t Know Why

I don´t know why it happens. Why suddenly I wake up as from a sleep and realize I´ve failed. I´ve hurt someone I love. I have said the wrong thing. I have stood still when I should have made an effort. I have been blind to things that even a blind person would have “seen.”

I wonder how and why. How I got to that place when my intentions were never terrible. Why I find myself having to fix something that I never meant to break.

Disappointment at my failures has a whole new edge to it. Beyond disappointing myself and another person, I have disappointed the God I love. It is unbearable. All I´ve truly desired in recent months is to reflect a vibrant ray of God´s own Love without distortion. I couldn´t do that. I couldn´t reflect Him purely. I stand numb and ashamed. What can a weak and untrustworthy human ever offer to a deeply faithful God?

I don´t know why it happens. But then again…perhaps I do. It drives me to my knees in self-distrust. It humbles me. It is part of a process…God´s process…a process that I won´t ever fully understand…a process that will one day find me stirring with the first morning light and waking up in His own image, His own likeness! One day I will awake incapable of disappointing Him ever again! 

“As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness.” Psalm 17:15

My heart

It beats in my chest. They say I should follow it. But this heart I call mine deceives. Who can comprehend it? It confuses me until I don´t know what I really want. Its direction is set towards selfishness…and yet, I hate selfishness.

My identity is in conflict. This space within is a battleground. Who am I? 

I run to hide in the branches of one lone, but insistent, desire—a desire for God. I choose to take refuge in that desire despite its smallness. Enfolded in this possibility, I don´t want to leave. Raging conflicts are tuned out. Somehow I know that I´m close to finding what I´ve lost—my authentic heart.

Climbing to the highest branch, there is quiet. Boldness and coherence invade me. I whisper God´s name…and then hear my voice crying out for Him to take over.

His power filters through hardened layers of that heart I call mine. His reality lovingly subdues all wars. In the ransacked emptiness of a surrendered heart, humility makes replacement possible.    

The hand of my God creates a new heart to fill the silent void. It begins to beat in my chest. My own blood courses through pure and restored channels. I am whole. My true heart has come home. 

Perfect harmony…between God´s heartbeat and mine. And yes, I will follow His heart anywhere. 

Lost & Found

Eden, I´ve traveled far.

Eden, you are only a memory.

Love, centuries have tainted you.

Love, you once were pure and active.

God, our eyes used to behold you.

God, your selfless flame in us is quenched.

Heart of mine, how you long to be filled.

Heart of mine, where did your innocence go?

Eden, I´ve glimpsed you.

Eden, your nearness surprises.

Love, time has not erased your smile.

Love, your original meaning may be sought.

God, how extreme your sacrifice.

God, your warm passion melting icy hearts.

Heart of mine, swept into a new place.                       Heart of mine, you´ve beat for a true moment in Paradise.