Why this year, dear God? What pieces of this world, your universal vision, were in place?
I sit on the other end of the continental United States. New Year’s Eve solemnity in the core of me. The personality of friends filling the room, laughter and also serious gaze. I find your cool breeze here, your warmth in the morning hues on the Atlantic horizon. And I know you are nearer now. Nearer than when? Nearer than when I said your name the first time. Nearer than when you poured sorrow over me and gifted me with strange tears. Nearer than when I jubilantly admitted that my heart had begun to love you. Nearer than when I last forgot you, and then remembered you and smiled.I look the same. The same things surround me. But I see imperfection in the mirror. The best of me has let myself down and so inside I feel different. I know that if I ever stop feeling different, I will be walking away from the one thing that matters. And so I try not to mind my differentness too much. I spend my waking hours with a new pursuit on my mind and heart. I laugh, and talk, and drive, and run beneath trees…all the while feeling like I should be searching. I was destined for this search. I was born to be on this journey, to find joy in this endless and intricate wandering. I don´t know why I´m seeing things I never saw before, things that are beyond words and thus, easily misunderstood unless experienced.
You never forget that I am human and in need of reassuring embraces and new mercies along this way. You never forget that I am meant to fly with wings like an eagle. You trust and You see some unique beauty in my soul. I doubt and want to run away from the unknown. But I don´t run away because in the incriminating mirror I also see You in the face of Jesus Christ. Why do you reveal such beauty? Why this year, dear God? How do I deserve to know the constant presence of heaven? Why did time bring this imperfect girl to such a perfectly beautiful experience that I can only respond to with brokenness and continued failure? I intuitively know that this experience can change me, but WILL it? Will I be open enough to changing? Will I be committed enough to saying “Yes”? Will I be captivated enough to follow You anywhere? Will love triumph and be the one tie that binds my heart to yours?
I run out of words at this point. At this moment as 2014 approaches, I know I am not worthy of You. Can you accept a love letter from a heart in need? For verily You are my true Love, you are my God—the call on the wind, a line of song in the rising suns, the tear running down my cheek, the hope of infinite possibility. "Continue your love to those who know you." Psalm 36:10
Love, your Ari